Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
Being an avid fan of shows like X
and Britain’s Got Talent, I’ve come to realise that anything
is possible and that we should all follow our dreams. With this in
mind, I might have lied slightly on my CV for a recent job interview,
and now I find myself as Director of Communications for a large
international company, in charge of a substantial budget and managing
a large team of personnel. Having only had one previous job working
in the warehouse at Asda, I’m starting to worry that I might have
bitten off more than I can chew. Do you think I should come clean, or
should I just give it a shot?

Dear Wendy,
Rather than aiming so high, you should
consider a career at my school as a dinner lady. The only
prerequisites for the position are that you need a face like a
slapped bottom, an inability to cook anything which isn’t yellow, and
an intense, burning hatred of children. Bear in mind that you’ll do
particularly well if you have a hacking cough and a limp and feel at
home in a grubby tabbard smeared with your own bogies. Based on the
activities of the dinner ladies at my school, most job satisfaction
is gained from serving noxious lumpy matter to helpless school
children with an enormous ladle, and standing idly by the bins
smoking menthol Superkings down to the filter while calling Jamie
Oliver the c-word. The only person more terrifying in my school than
the dinner ladies is Mrs Dodkins, the lollipop lady, who can stop
traffic with her evil finger. Anyway, if you’re a bitter old hag with
a foul temper and vendetta against anyone under sixteen then let me
know and I’ll put in a good word, otherwise just keep lying until you
get found out and then blame it all on a poor person .
Hope that helps!



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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Bundling the defenceless wives of an already-marginalised minority whose extremist wing have a penchant for blowing things up into the back of a police van? Clever stuff.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
You realise you’re still not ready to discuss the AV referendum when you ask how it will affect the result of FHM’s 100 Hottest Birds.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Saying the serial killer storyline on a soap opera is unrealistic is fine. Getting out the scrapbook of ‘how you’d do it properly’ is why you don’t have any friends that you’ve actually met.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Grease is the word. So could you unhook the harness and go and get some?

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You’ve promised to stop brutalising the population of your country as soon as your contract runs out, so you’re flummoxed  as to why they’re still upset. Maybe shooting a few of them might make the rest believe you.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
This week a dream has a profound effect on you while a colleague encourages you to ‘think outside of the box’ resulting in you sending your company’s clients a photoshopped image of you having sex with your geography teacher’s car.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Your life goes in two very different directions depending on whether you catch a train or not. In one you face a wretched existence keeping up two jobs to support your unfaithful boyfriend, in the other you end up having to watch a film with Gwyneth Paltrow in it directed by the wanker out of Bread.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Jupiter. Birmingham. £50. January. You know what I’m on about.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Can you tell your dad that Sandra is on holiday this week and no-one else is trained to use the vibrating egg? Cheers.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
People may wish to view your life so far as an endless litany of blinkered misanthropy, mistrust and relentless cynicism, but one thing they can’t accuse you of is being wrong.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Make sure you shred all your post before putting it in the bin. Wouldn’t want somebody stealing your identity and being refused credit.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Tell her that fiddly predictive text thing was the reason ‘love you loads’ came out as ‘you have sucked the joy from my soul’.