Osborne unveils emergency sofa

CHANCELLOR George Osborne has released an utterly irresistible sofa in fawn leather with matching corner group.

Conquistador is a high quality corner group settee offering absurd levels of comfort that will match any colour scheme and even looks good outdoors, created by the state to restore appealingness to ailing shops.

It was designed by an elite team of furniture experts assembled under the banner of Operation Lamprey, a secret project to create something so lovely that reticent consumers will be unable to resist it.

Launching  Conquistador, Mr Osborne said: “In these challenging periods when even the bovine, stuff-hunger of the masses can no longer be relied upon, it becomes a government’s duty to step in with something absolutely sensational.”

Reclining on the settee, he added: “It’s the detail that really gets me. Look how robust the stitching is.

“And as for the accompanying pouffe. Well. It’s like having one’s feet suspended in the air by some sort of invisible hand.

“I’ve already bought a Conquistador for each room of my various homes and am looking forward to chilling out on it at the end of a long day, sipping a hot drink and reading an undemanding paperback while the cushions mould themselves to my contours.

“In the unlikely event that you don’t already want to buy one, our glorious high streets will degrade into smouldering pits whose only purpose is to host massive drunken brawls between unemployed men in bad shirts.”

Consumer Tom Logan said: “When you see a sweet-looking sofa like this, you realise that living within your means is completely untenable.

“Sign me up for whatever extortionate monthly price plan you so desire, and we’ll let the Samaritans do the emotional heavy lifting at a later date.”



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Angry, confused old women to decide everything

EVERYTHING in Britain is to be run past a panel of scrunch-faced harridans.

In a bid to cut the costs of organising lengthy voter consultations and employing experts to work in policy think tanks, the coalition is simply going to do whatever the next rancid old ratbag tells them to.

The Cabinet Office’s plans to streamline Freedom of Information application requests will be the first policy to be scrutinised by half a dozen housewives from Carlisle to see if it benefits them Bulgarian gypsies in any way.

If successful, every future white paper will be subjected to the green biro of the panel’s wildly ill-informed comments.

Margaret Gerving, a 78 year-old headache, said: “If those young men think I’m going to stop poking them in the chest and looking disgusted until this country is exactly the way I want it to be then they have obviously not been reading my letters to the Carlisle Scrutiniser.

“I’m a member of every local tenant’s association and neighbourhood watch and I haven’t missed a council meeting in 30 years so I have the right to have my opinion rigorously adhered-to.”

Tory policy advisor Denys Finch Hatton said: “As a confused set of barely-concealed racists with scant grasp of fiscal policy, a general sense that somebody is getting away with something they shouldn’t and a profusion of liver spots, I think our backbenchers may have quite a lot in common with these ladies.

“Perhaps it’s time we changed the party logo from that dreadful green squiggle to a set of pursed, dry lips atop a tartan shopping bag containing own-brand cat food.”

Later this week, Ms Gerving will fly to Berlin to ask German chancellor Angela Merkel who she needs to speak to about the bins.