'I'm just a hack standing in front of a boy, asking him if he's taping me'

HUGH Grant is back on top of the Hollywood A-list after rave reviews for his new film The Englishman Who Went to a Pub With a Hidden Microphone.

Described as the ‘rom-com of the decade’ it sees Grant back in familiar territory as a slightly dopey, millionaire English actor who thinks newspapers should be used for promoting his films and publishing long, dreary features about his favourite ’causes’.

Grant, who plays the charming public school boy ‘Hugh’, has a chance encounter with a grubby hack in a lay-by in Kent but can’t stop thinking about him.

When he is offered the chance to meet him again he leaps at it knowing that if he tapes it he could finally redeem himself for using some of his vast wealth to encourage prostitution amongst working class black women.

Film critic, Julian Cook, said: “This film has everything. A rich cast of incredibly sleazy characters listening to the private conversations of vain, greedy people so they can provide some fleeting entertainment for semi-literate scum.

“It has twists and turns and a fascinating conspiracy involving powerful media executives expecting people to believe things that are wonderfully farcical.

”And it’s also full of those trademark Hugh Grant scenes that will have thirty-something women queuing round the block and then buying tabloid newspapers to find out who he is having sex with in real life.”

In one key scene, Grant summons the courage to ask the grubby hack the question he has always wanted to ask:

HUGH: Sorry.. look. Sorry, sorry. I just, ehm, well, this is a very stupid question, but I just wondered, by any chance, ehm, eh, I mean obviously not because I guess I’ve only slept with nine people including at least one prostitute, but-but I-I just wondered… ehh. I really feel, ehh, in short, to recap it slightly in a clearer version, eh, the words of David Cassidy, in fact, eh, while he was still with The Partridge Family, eh, “Did Rupert Murdoch know about this?” and eh, I-I just wondered by any chance you wouldn’t like to… Eh… Eh… No, no, no of course not… I’m an idiot, he’s not… Excellent, excellent, fantastic, eh, I was going say ‘lovely to see you’, sorry to disturb… Better get on…

PAUL McMULLAN: That was very romantic.

HUGH: Well, I thought it over a lot, you know, I wanted to get it just right.

PAUL McMULLAN: Fair enough, but to answer you’re question – I was about 840 pay grades below Rupert Murdoch, so you may as well ask me if Elvis knew about it.

In another heart-lifting scene Hugh tells the hack that he had finally realised what he wanted all along.

HUGH: There I was, standing in the office of the New Statesman and for the first time in my whole life I realised I totally and utterly wanted to secretly record one person. And it wasn’t my ex-girlfriend and New Statesman guest editor Jemima Khan. It’s the person standing opposite me now… in a pub.

PAUL McMULLAN: Is it still a pub? I hadn’t noticed.

The pair then realise that without each other they are nothing and kiss passionately to the strains of Sweet Little Mystery by Wet Wet Wet.



Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Power Thinking, with Dr Morris O'Connor

Resurrection: The Basics.

Easter is almost upon us and this year I want you to do more than just mindlessly sink your two front teeth into a chocolate egg on the commute into work.

Beyond the confectionery Easter is about resurrection. Coming back from the dead is a wonderful opportunity and a beautiful thing. Resurrection can also be an ugly thing – a lot of it depends on the weight and age of the person involved. At some resurrections I’ve attended there’s been this overpowering smell of Feta cheese.

Jesus rose from the dead because he could, but also, I believe, to show us we can all reinvent ourselves. Whether you’ve been nailed to a cross or are stuck in middle management, you must never forget the fact there’s always the possibility of a new beginning. On the subject of Jesus I would recommend against getting 12 disciples, or any number for that matter. Infighting becomes an issue when you’re the main guy and you’ve been intimate with more than three of them. And the local press can be incredibly persuasive.

Let me tell you the remarkable story of my own reinvention. I wasn’t always this successful or fragrant. I am a very hairy man; I have been from a young age. As a child my parents wouldn’t let me take my top off on walking holidays for fear I may get poached. It wasn’t uncommon for mother to use the car vacuum on my legs and back. I became incredibly conscious of my hirsute condition, living in fear that women would shun me and I would become taxidermy for a specialist collector.

I had to endure going out with a minger from the age of 20 to 22 as she was the only person stupid enough to fall for an elaborate system of lies that kept her from discovering my hairy back. She believed that for superstitious reasons I had to go on the bottom during sex and it was really bad luck for me not to reverse out of the bedroom when I was naked.

It was becoming exhausting, but rather than be beaten by it, like Jesus, I resurrected myself. I invested my inheritance from my grandmother into electrolysis and clothes made out of breathable fabrics and started working on a new identity. In just six months I gained the confidence to dump the old girlfriend and start using the name Leon Jay with potential suitors.

Remember, sometimes a new life is only the insertion of a fine probe into your hair follicles and the application of an electric current away.

Dr Morris O’Connor is the best selling author of The Resurrection Secrets Jesus Doesn’t Want You To Know.