Are you about to be dumped?

IS YOUR partner about to dump you and ruin your life? Take our fun test and find out.

What do you and your partner like doing together?

A. Eating out, exercising, discussing current affairs.
B. Sitting in tense silence trying to avoid another blazing row about something incredibly pointless like how tall Ant and Dec are.

How would you describe your sex life?

A. Passionate and varied.
B. Grudging.

Your partner often mentions a colleague they get along with. How do you feel about this?

A. It’s great they’ve got a friend at work.
B. You strongly suspect they haven’t quite got the guts to tell you they’ve been shagging for 10 months but are ‘drip feeding’ you the information so you are prepared when they move out.

You rent a film that turns out not to be very good. What is your partner’s response?

A. “I just enjoyed snuggling up and slagging it off.”

What was your last birthday present from your partner?

A. Something considerate which they’re not necessarily into themselves, eg. tickets to the theatre.
B. Oven gloves, a torch keyring or some other zero-effort ‘mum and dad’ present.

What does your partner like to do on Sunday mornings?

A. A lie-in and breakfast in bed.
B. Really filthy sex with someone you don’t know in a hotel.

Mostly As. It’s unlikely you are going to be dumped unless your partner is really odd, in which case it’s probably for the best.

Mostly Bs. You are definitely going to get dumped. Go on and date any weirdo just for the satisfaction of saying, “Actually I’ve been seeing someone else too.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Kid wonders why he's being punished with day out to historic town

A TEN year old boy doesn’t know what he did to deserve being punished with a day out to a really old fucking town in the middle of nowhere.

Wayne Hayes said he had not only had a good week at school, he had also eaten all of his vegetables and even stopped poking his baby sister with a felt pen whenever his parents were not looking.

Hayes said: “I’ve been well good this week so why am I being punished?”

“If they were going to just punish me with this trip to Wye, Kent anyway I could have not eaten any vegetables and I could also have given my sister a dead arm for getting more attention than I do.

“Every get the feeling you’ve been cheated?”

Hayes’s father Joe said: “He’s grumpy now but wait until he sees the parish church of St. Gregory and St. Martin.

“And the other four things that were on TripAdvisor’s Top Five Things To Do In Wye, Kent – one of which is just ‘Nature’.”