Are you an influencer?

ARE you a social media ‘influencer’ with the power to make consumers spend? Take this test to find out.

Have you created shareable visual content?

A)   My GIF of a ferret jumping into a welly with the words ‘not today mate’ has been shared by 20 million people.  

B)  I put on a cracking fireworks show for the cub scouts’ last Guy Fawkes.

Do you live stream?

A)  Yes, it’s a great way to interact with my followers who otherwise have very little hope in their lives.  

B)  No, and I would never take part in any urine-based sex act.

Do you hang out online?

A)   I am digitally omnipresent my whole existence will be on Facebook Live soon like a creepy science fiction film.

B)  I bung most of it in the tumble dryer but my best shirts I’ll drape on the radiator.

What is a micro-celebrity?

A) An irritating wannabe TV presenter who is too shit for The One Show but somehow has ten million followers from baking cakes with a novelty hat on.

B) Any celebrity around five feet in height.

Mostly As Congratulations, you’re a powerful online influencer in the same way a potent French cheese influences the smell of a fridge. 

Mostly B’s You are irrelevant. Or is that part of your brand? If so that is very smart and good luck with that book about living ‘off grid’.

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Woman a bit rough, other women confirm

SOME women have confirmed that another woman is ‘a bit rough’.

35-year-old Nikki Hollis’s slight roughness was confirmed by a group of women talking in a bar, which included several of her supposed friends.

Former colleague Emma Bradford said: “Nikki can be nice, but fundamentally she’s a bit rough. She once bit someone on a flight to Mykonos and they had to do an emergency landing.

“Also her hygiene is…good. Not great though, definitely not great.”

Although ‘a bit rough’ is perhaps the ultimate slur that women can use against each other, the group was unable to define exactly what it meant.

Hollis’s neighbour Mary Fisher said: “It’s not a snobbery thing, anyone can be a bit rough.

“It’s like Fight Club. The only rule of being a bit rough is that you are a bit rough.”

Hollis strongly denied the allegations that she is a bit rough, saying: “If this has got anything to do with me pissing myself in the VIP room at Pacino’s nightclub, that was years ago and I was under a lot of work pressure at the time.”