Are you angry about some stupid bullshit?

COMPARED to most people in the world, you’re wealthy and life is easy. But you still like to make some shit up in your head sometimes and then get angry about it. So let’s see how…

Brexit
Obviously it’s not easy hearing this made-up, bullshit word all the time, everyday, but that’s no reason to smash the toaster against the wall. Just take a deep breath and remember that one day you won’t even be able to recall what Brexit even means (and you’ll still need toast.)

People on the internet
People online can be annoying, and some of them go out of their way to be annoying. But that’s no reason to smash up a laptop in the middle of a cafe just because someone you used to work with but don’t really know said something ignorant on Facebook and loads of people agreed with them.

Football
The season is over for another couple of months so why not make the most of it by forgetting that you support Lincoln City for a while and just come back to the football next season, fresh faced and just waiting for more misery.

Love Island
Don’t watch it, don’t engage with it, just ignore the absolute shit out of it and it’ll all be over before you know it. A bit like spending the season supporting Lincoln City really.

Made-up medicine works on made-up illnesses

ACUPUNCTURE has been shown to be extremely effective among people who have nothing wrong with them.

An academic study has shown that the majority of patients reporting mystery symptoms stopped pretending they had them when someone poked at them with a cocktail stick.

Carlisle-based malingerer, Wayne Hayes, said: “For years I’ve been infesting my doctor’s surgery complaining about a sort of back pain, sort of heat rash kind of thing.

“But after just four sessions of being stabbed in the face, I’ve completely knocked it on the head. I have loads more energy and feel much better ‘in myself’.

“I think this is mainly down to the fact I no longer wish to be stabbed in the face.”

Practising acupuncturist and Carlisle-based charlatan, Wayne Hayes, said: “The body is divided into 763 sections, each one based on an episode of Casualty, and with 13 ‘meridians’ based on the 13 series of Holby City. It feels good to finally say that out loud.”

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “To truly assess the efficacy of acupuncture a widespread double-blind test needs to be conducted over a series of years but to be honest it’s the equivalent of mapping the DNA of pixies or conducting a geological study of Narnia.”