Are you the president of the United States?

WITH so many distractions around, it is surprisingly easy to forget whether you are the leader of the free world. Take our test to find out.

Where do you live?

A. In a standard house or flat, possibly with a garage containing a car.

B. In a massive house that is notable for its whiteness, with 30 or 40 burly, smartly-dressed men called things like ‘Davis’ or ‘Price’ who keep talking into radios.

How does your average day begin?

A. Wake up around 7am, eat some cereal, go to office job.

B. Stay up all night watching Paranormal Witness and Ice Road Truckers, until Price enters your bedroom, draws the curtain and hands you a large paper cup full of pills. If you question the pills he explains they’re for your digestion, sir.

What’s your daily beauty regime?

A. There isn’t one as such. I have a shower and perhaps a shave.

B. Pin remaining tobacco-coloured hairs across scalp. Attach stomach hoists and lift belly to chest area. Check continued existence of withered genitals.

Do you know any Russians?

A. There’s a guy at work called Sergei. Actually he might be from Ukraine. I don’t know him that well but he’s always polite.

B. Of course, they have that control room in the basement and their own taxpayer-funded vodka budget. Great people and some very lovely, elegant ladies. Wait. No. I meant no. I don’t know any Russians at all. Who are you? I can destroy your life.

Mostly As – Sorry, you are not the most powerful man in the world. Don’t threaten anyone today or you might go to prison.

Mostly Bs – You are the president of America, a country on Earth. Congratulations! Don’t press anything.

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Women demand equal flu to men

WOMEN should have the right to exaggerate minor colds and be mocked for it just the same as men, campaigners have claimed.

While men take it for granted that they can play up symptoms of illness to solicit extra sympathy, then have the piss ripped by anyone who is in proximity of their childish whining, women are fighting hard for the right to be equally as lame.

Campaigner Donna Sheridan said: “The struggle for equality doesn’t stop at pay or parenting, it needs to reach every part of our lives. This includes the right to lie about snivelling into tissues and watching Narcos whilst feeling excessively sorry for ourselves.

“And, of course, we don’t expect any special dispensation as women so we also want to be ridiculed and accused of being liars and malingerers.

“If we display symptoms any less serious than bleeding from an artery or not having a pulse, we will expect to be absolutely slated.”

Professor Henry Brubaker from the Institute for Studies said: “As if being ill wasn’t unpleasant enough, people like to add to the misery by making each other feel guilty if they take one day off from their miserable, soul-sapping jobs.

“Human beings really are the most tedious idiots.”