As a 'flexitarian' I can enjoy the smugness of vegetarianism while still eating meat

By Nikki Hollis

MY NAME’S Nikki and I’m a flexitarian. ‘What’s that?’ I hear you cry, already overwhelmed by how fascinating I am.

Well, it’s some made-up bullshit that allows me to eat loads of succulent animal flesh whilst still claiming the moral high ground.

By chucking around phrases like ‘fluid approach to eating’ and ‘sustainable lifestyle’ I can bamboozle people into thinking that I’m pretty much Buddha, but hotter and more deep, while holding a burger.

Being a flexitarian allows me to say I eat a ‘plant-based’ diet, which sounds like I’m a vegetarian when actually the plants I eat are usually lying limply by the side of a massive oozing steak or squashed under a fat slice of yummy, greasy bacon.

It also enables me to give long, sanctimonious lectures to carnivores about how they’re killing the planet by eating so much meat and still get a KFC bucket on my way home.

It has been pointed out to me that the term ‘flexitarian’ is meaningless. But it’s a science name, like ‘wellness’, ‘yogic’ or ‘trans-dimensional sexual energy vortex’. Einstein probably described himself as a flexitarian.

Flexitarianism has boosted my health even more than when I gave up drugs apart from doing coke every other weekend. It turns out you can have your double bacon cheeseburger and eat it! But also not eat it because it’s bad. Or something.

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Budget to tackle vital issue of slightly cheaper rail travel for 25-to-30-year-olds

THE Conservatives have jumped eight points in the polls after tackling the crucial issue of 25-to-30-year-olds’ daytime train fares.

Theresa May lost her majority in June after failing to address the injustice faced by voters aged between 25 and 30 paying up to a third more for off-peak travel than under-25s.

But the shock move in today’s budget means that a 28-year-old travelling from Bournemouth to Warwick could save as £14.30 after the initial £30 railcard cost, condemned by Labour as an “outright electoral bribe”.

Joanna Kramer, aged 27, said: “I think we just saw an entire generation turn blue.

“This initiative could save me literally a hundred pounds a year, if it’s a year when I have a lot of weekday weddings that I can’t get lifts to. And that makes tuition fees, the housing crisis, Brexit, rampant inflation, and austerity irrelevant.

“Imagine, saving £11.73 on a return from Didcot Parkway to Bristol Temple Meads. Ker-fucking-ching.”