Woman outsmarts biscuit with larger mug

A WOMAN struggling to dunk a biscuit has finally defeated it with a bigger mug.

After several rage-filled minutes, Joanna Kramer went out and spent £1.99 on a larger mug in which she can dunk the digestive-type biscuit without having to take annoying nibbles around its sides.

Kramer said: “I was like ‘just go in the fucking mug’, trying to cram it in there but it was just not possible without breaking it.

“However I would not let the crumbly little dickhead get the better of me.

“I grabbed my coat and headed to B & M Bargains where I bought myself a large blue generic mug in which I could fit an entire giant cookie should the fancy take me.

“While I was in the shop I also picked myself up a giant kitchen roll, a cheap faux fur throw, some clothes pegs and a box of crisps, all for under a tenner, so kiss my ass biscuits.”

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Seriously though, Northern Ireland, says EU

THE EU has responded to Britain’s increased exit payment offer by asking for the 132nd time what exactly is the deal with Northern Ireland. 

Brexit supporters in the Cabinet have agreed to up the divorce payment to Europe by as much as £20bn, and are now wondering why the response once again includes the words “Good Friday agreement”. 

EU negotiator Michel Barnier said: “I do not know how many more ways I can say this. I am going out of my mind. 

“Seriously, you know Northern Ireland? Did you know it was one of the countries in the UK? Do you even know now? 

“A few years ago, we all worked out this deal to stop them bombing you and each other, and we want to carry that deal on? Yes? You don’t want to be bombed? 

“Okay. So great for the money, thanks very much, and next time I see you I expect some ideas on Northern Ireland?

“You haven’t heard a fucking word, have you?”

Brexit secretary David Davis said: “They’re playing hardball. We’re going to have to go all the way to £60 billion. But once we do that, there’s nothing in the way of making a deal.”