Avocado or Kale? Take our test to find out why people think you're an arse

DO you live for Avocado or do you live for Kale? Take our quick test to find out why people generally think you’re an arse who would go along with any fad they were told to.

1. Do you have lots of stupid tattoos for no other reason than you want to be liked by people who don’t know you?

A. Yes, I’ll have it with kale, please.
B. Yes, I’ll have it with avocado, please.

2. Have you told people you really like The 1975 despite never hearing them?
A. If you don’t have any kale then I’m fine thanks.
B. If you don’t have any avocado then I don’t know what kind of butchers you’re running here.

3. Are you happy to pay £15 for a cocktail just so you can take a picture of it and put it on Instagram?
A. If it’s got kale in it, yes, definitely.
B. If it’s got avocado in it I’m happy to pay £20 to be honest.

Mostly As: Well done, you’re a hipster bell end. Enjoy the kale.

Mostly Bs: Well done, you hipster bell end. Enjoy the avocado.

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Minute's silence for cup of tea left to die on windowsill by ungrateful woman

A SILENT tribute has been paid to a freshly made cup of tea that was tragically abandoned to go cold and undrinkable.

The tea, which suffered a slow and miserable end as it gradually faded from piping hot and delicious to tepid and disgusting, was made by Nathan Muir for his partner Joanna Kramer, who has admitted to carelessly forgetting about it.

Muir said: “Warmth, comfort, wetness and a strong brown colour; these are all qualities that this cup of tea possessed during its short time here on earth. I will never forget its formative moments of chucking a tea bag in a chipped mug and slopping boiling water all over it.

“It was a humble drink, asking for no more than a splash of milk to make it complete, and offering in return a gentle buzz of caffeine, unlike a cup of coffee, which is a big bastard show off in that department.

“There will now be a minute’s silence whilst we all reflect on what a thoughtless shitbag Joanna has been to not bother drinking the tea I so lovingly made her.”

Kramer said: “Just make me another cup and stop being a dick about it.”