Could Thatcher's ghost sort out Brexit?

MARGARET Thatcher is now long dead but what if her spirit was contacted during a séance on a wet weekday afternoon in a parlour in Surrey?

The Irish Back Stop
Seance organsier, Emma Bradford said: “We believe that Maggie’s spirit moved the glass on the table to signify that The Irish Back Stop problem could be solved by invading a far away country and destabilising the industries and infrastructure of many major towns.”

Freedom of Movement
Local séance attendee, Mary Fisher said: “We contacted her spirit and she told us that we could solve freedom of movement by simply acknowledging that society doesn’t exist and thus, why would you need to move around anywhere? Which makes sense if you’re mad and dead.”

The Customs Union
Seance sceptic, Donna Sheridan added: “Maggie’s spirit apparently thinks we could solve that by saying ‘Now then, now then, Now then, Now then’.

“You can see why I’m sceptical.”


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Period-tracking app lets boyfriend know when he will be a selfish arsehole

AN APP which tracks his partner’s menstrual cycle is helping a man predict when he will be an insensitive dick who thinks only of himself. 

Nathan Muir downloaded the £2.99 app so he would have an advance warning of those periods when everything he does is unbearable and repulsive.

He said: “It’s better that it’s not so out of the blue, you know? Like I walk in one night and suddenly I’m a complete bastard.

“Now, I see on my phone that I’m just an intolerable, smug wanker from Thursday, fading into just being a inconsiderate fuckhead by the weekend, and I can plan around it.

“These apps must have saved tens of thousands of men from becoming trapped in arguments they don’t, and will never, understand.

“I get that alert and I go to watch a film on my own or to a mate’s or even my mum’s. It’s great to be in a mature relationship where I can avoid all conflict as a matter of course.”

Girlfriend Ellie said: “Or, he could just ask how I am.”