Farage: 'In less than 48 hours, I will cease to exist'

AS WE contemplate the historic EU referendum, in which Britain will finally decide to throw off the yoke of tyranny, it’s hard to imagine that I won’t be here to see it. 

But sadly, in less than two days, the reason I was summoned to your dimension will be gone and the creature you know as Nigel Farage will no longer exist.

I came when England called, like Sir Lancelot and Robin Hood. I came in your hour of need to deliver you a seemingly endless referendum and this capering spirit has been as good as his word.

You knew I wasn’t real all along. How could I be? But a being of folklore, such as I, could be everywhere at once; on Question Time, guffawing in the golf club, popping into a pub in Peterborough for a pint and stepping out into the Sunderland sunlight for a smoke.

Never elected to public office, never within an inch of power, I nonetheless bamboozled your political establishment into this marvellous gift of a complicated expensive thing, but I shall not see its result.

My purpose done and my revels now ended, for every vote counted tomorrow I fade a little more until I am melted into thin air leaving only a spectral blazer and a pair of gold bulldog cufflinks behind.

But mourn not this jester, for I do not die. I merely sleep until this sceptr’d isle has need of me again.

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Tesco to stop being passive-aggressively ‘open at night’

TESCO has announced plans to stop grudgingly allowing customers to weave through its all-night shelf-stacking sessions.

The supermarket giant, which keeps a number of stores open 24 hours a day so customers can see for themselves how restocking works, has made the change after staff complaints. 

A spokesman said: “Customers were invited to watch the fascinating process of running a large supermarket after darkness, on the strict condition they do not interfere in any way. 

“But, sadly, a few have not only shouted for help when trapped in a labyrinth of wheeled cages of tinned soups but are actually removing things from the shelves, undoing all our hard work. 

“Add to that their censorious reactions when Darren from the fish counter does the joke where he sticks fresh pollock through the fly of his trousers, and it’s time to draw this to a close.” 

Helen Archer of Newport said: “Closing? But what about when I urgently need a Frozen DVD and Ryvita at 4am?”