Five tips for covering your arse at work

SOMETHING is bound to go tits up and when it does, someone’s got to take the fall. Here are five tips for making sure everyone knows it had nothing to do with you.

You’ll never work alone
Make sure you have a partner (fall guy) for every single thing you do – even if it’s just making the tea – so if you cock it up by putting cow’s milk in a vegan latte, you’ll have someone to point the finger at.

Give (and take) where credit’s due
Remember to loudly take and give credit where it’s convenient and to do so in writing. Wait until shortly after projects have been completed so you can determine which elements have been successful, and were therefore all your responsibility, and which were solely the fault of some useless twat from IT.

Never say anything definitive 
Always point out the pros and cons of everything when asked for your opinion and, when pushed for a definitive direction say ‘I’ll leave it to your excellent judgement’. You may have to talk around things using double negatives, eg: ‘I don’t not not think you should do it but I do think you shouldn’t not rush into anything you will or won’t regret.’

Have an alibi ready
Have someone ready to go who’s willing to say they were with you at any time and for any reason. Are they sure it was you who blocked all three toilets? You were with your mate Liam at that time and he’ll back you up.

Assume multiple identities
Perform your work under several aliases, that way nobody will be able to be sure which one of you caused the company’s shares to plummet by 13.5% overnight.

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Are you a stereotype?

MEDIA stereotypes of ‘hunky’ firemen have been criticised for deterring female recruits. So are you a stereotype at work or at leisure? Take our quiz and find out.

You are an office worker. What is that like?

A. Quite interesting at times and there’s some foreign travel.
B. You are constantly being told to ‘get that report on my desk by 5pm’. Colleagues do not have surnames and are referred to as ‘Brenda from accounts’. You conduct a romance in the store room instead of behaving like a normal fucking adult.

How do you go about your hobby of taking cannabis?

A. I’m just a normal person who enjoys a regular toke with friends.
B. I wear a rasta hat and finish every sentence with ‘man’. I am weirdly calm in stressful situations because I am always ‘high’. My life’s ambition is to procure a rare strain of potent cannabis and construct a spliff the size of a torpedo.

Describe being a fighter pilot.

A. I follow complex orders to the letter and observe strict safety and weapons protocols.
B. I perform reckless manoeuvres that stand a high chance of killing myself and others. I also get paid for insulting superior officers in a juvenile way.

What does your job as a police officer involve?

A. Mostly traffic offences, checking on vulnerable people and restraining drunks.
B. Mostly unprofessional things, eg. sleeping with witnesses, tasting any drugs you find and doing stunts with your car. But you’re bound to be strung-out with only 48 hours to crack the case.

You are blonde. What is your life like?

A. I go to work, socialise and have hobbies like my book group.
B. Everything I do goes wrong because I am so dense, from using a blender to dyeing my hair. I only ever read vapid magazines and cry constantly about trivial problems.

Mostly As: You are not a stereotype. Try to be more stereotypical because otherwise it is confusing for idiots.

Mostly Bs: You are a dreadful stereotype, but the good news is you may be able to find well-paid work appearing in adverts, Hollywood films and lazy TV dramas.