You have measles because daddy reads bullshit on the internet, child told

A CHILD with measles was told it is because daddy stays up late reading utter bullshit on the internet and bases decisions on that. 

Hayley Muir, aged three, was informed that she is currently suffering due to her father’s distrust of the ‘biased mainstream media’, which helps him feel like an interesting person.

Hayley said: “Daddy says MMR is a conspiracy to give children autism. I asked a few basic childish questions like ‘who’, ‘why’, and ‘is it working’ but dad said I didn’t want to go down that rabbit hole.

“I asked if all my friends at school would get measles and he said no, they’ve had the vaccine. I said that wasn’t fair and he said the medical malpractice of using children as guinea pigs isn’t fair.

“Dad claims his theories are supported by such thinkers as 90s FHM favourite Jenny McCarthy and Donald Trump. I said I’d heard enough and bring me more Lucozade.”

Father Nathan Muir said: “She’s too wrapped up in her own troubles to understand what a bold, disruptive position anti-vaxxing is and what a visionary I am.

“I wish my father had stopped me getting vaccinated when I was younger. Selfish bastard.”

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Britain's best and worst chip shops basically identical

THE BEST chip shop in Britain is basically the same as the shittest, it has been confirmed.

A nationwide survey by the Institute for Studies found that chip shops all sell fried fish and chipped potatoes cooked in oil and always serve them in the same excessively large portions.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Anyone who thinks their local chippy is special is clearly deluding themselves.

“We travelled across the UK and visited thousands of chippies. All of them have cod, plaice, sausages, chips, mushy peas and a quiet woman doing the frying who seems to be unusually short.

“In conclusion, we decided that Britain’s best chippy is The Fishy Fryer in Chippenham. Well done.

“It is also Britain’s worst. So raise your game, Fishy Fryer, and sort out those mouse droppings by the freezer.

“Perhaps next week we’ll see which kebab shop is the most talented at adding salad and chilli sauce to meat.”