Gentrification - good or bad?

IS IT good that everything is becoming more fancy?

Experts predict that by 2048 the entire planet will have been gentrified. But does that mean high-quality gourmet burgers for all, or the reinvention of long-established communities as nauseatingly self-aware twat colonies?

Make up your own mind:


No street gangs in your area apart from something called the ‘Temperley Morris Troupe’.

Being able to sell your shitty ex-council flat and buy a lake palace in India.

Well-connected locals mean there is no chance of the government building a nuclear reactor or high security prison anywhere near you.

Hipster pizzas are far nicer than the shitty school dinners-type with the spongy bread base.

Neighbour disputes never deteriorate beyond passive aggression or perhaps a mildly-worded letter to the council.

Not being the least hard person in the gym.

Areas where well-off people live are somehow less rainy.

In your ungentrified local pub, everyone wanted to punch you in the face.


In your gentrified local pub, you want to punch everyone in the face.

There’s some sort of fucking folk dancing thing on at the local town hall.

Everyone using Apple gadgets constantly, even during sex.

Children sitting on the floor in the middle of cafes, learning the complete disregard for others that will come to define them in later life.

You’ve been here for years but the new people have seen your mainstream thriller paperbacks and aren’t sure if you ‘fit in’.

Sweet Christ, do these people ever stop talking about themselves?

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Rodgers sacking 'all part of his masterplan'

BRENDAN Rodgers has confirmed that being fired was something he had planned all along.

After poor results which saw Liverpool adopt a 1-2-0-2-2-1-1-1 formation in a bid to score using neuro-linguistic programming techniques, the club decided to find someone ‘less sophisticated’.

Rodgers said: “I will now sit on my sofa in my pants for the next three months, eating Wotsits and staring at my self-portrait. This will generate an upturn in results with a draw away at Norwich in January.

“In 2018, when I’m doing after dinner speeches in Dubai, Liverpool will win the League Cup as a result. It’s all in my dossier.”

In a statement, the club thanked Rodgers for ‘whatever the hell it was he had been doing for the past three and a half years’.

It is understood Rodgers offered to write the statement himself, claiming to be ‘one of the world’s top five sacking statement writers’.