Has Brexit already happened? Take our test to find out

IN the confusing modern world it can be hard to tell if Britain has already left the European Union, so why not take our quick test to find out.

Can you go and work in Europe?

A. Of course I can.

B. Of course I can. Cash in hand, on the side, with no rights and as long as I can get over that massive dry stone wall we built around Dover.

How much does a nice bottle of Italian wine cost?

A. You can get a really nice bottle for less than a tenner I think.

B. Depends what you are paying with – blood, sexual favours or Manchego cheese are all options.

Are you still protected by the Human Rights Act?

A. Of course I am.

B. As soon as Brexit happened, Prime Minister Johnson printed it off and shoved it down the collar of his shirt as a napkin, pouring the last of the tariff-free champagne down his throat while laughing maniacally.

Mostly As – Brexit has not happened. Or you may be in some Brexit-themed version of The Matrix where Jacob Rees-Mogg presides over a vast chamber full of cryogenically frozen Remainers and you have chosen to live in the illusion.

Mostly Bs – Several months after you stopped reading the news, Brexit quietly happened. Also they have captured a live yeti and confirmed that dark matter is made of angels. And there’s a public traitor-hanging in Hyde Park tonight, if you fancy it.

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House of Fraser unveils new business model of not letting you have stuff when you pay for it

HOUSE of Fraser is to cease the ‘economically suicidal’ practice of giving customers goods when they pay for them, it has confirmed. 

The department store, bought by Sports Direct’s Mike Ashley last month, is to streamline its business model by not letting customers take their purchases out of the shop.

A spokesman said: “When we get stock in it is slowly draining away, and CCTV checks showed that customers are just walking out of the shop with it. The entitled bastards think that just because they’ve paid for a jumper, it’s somehow ‘theirs’.

“But it doesn’t have to be like that. From now on when you buy a £150 pair of jeans the counter staff will smile at you nicely, take payment, ask you if you want a storecard, fold them up, ask if you want a storecard again, hand over your receipt then put the jeans under the counter for re-shelving.”

Sports Direct employee Nathan Muir said: “We actually let our customers take the stuff away because it saves us hiring a skip.”