Psychic Bob: The pink Hungry Hippo is Pisces and the green one is Libra

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
He knows when you are sleeping. He knows when you’re awake. The second statement can be logically inferred by the first, when you think about it.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Bloody typical; everyone else gets to do what they like at the office party, while you’re left to run off 200 photocopies of the managing director’s arse them send them out to clients. 

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
On Friday, two roads diverge in a wood and you, you take the road less travelled, and you miss all the traffic. 

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Getting to second base with Angela Stelfox while the teacher was distracted by the caesium setting Peter Hulme’s hair on fire was not, technically, chemsex. Good story though. 

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
Finally, you’ve worked out how Twitter’s mute button works, and you’ve muted everyone you follow so you can finally get a bit of peace. 

Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY)
The days of the industrial revolution when eight-year-olds worked down mines were supposedly terrible, but when you can’t get the little buggers off Minecraft you wonder if turning an honest profit would be so bad.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You celebrate December 17th by going to work dressed as a stormtrooper but your colleagues don’t seem as interested in the anniversary of the sinking of the German cruiser ship the Graf Spee.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Following your course on Active Listening Skills, you’re accused of sarcasm today when you keep shouting ‘HELL, YES!’ at your manager.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You’ve always wondered why, of all the insults Kirsty MacColl throws at Shane McGowan in Fairytale of New York, she never once mentions his teeth. 

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
An awkward silence in the pub on Friday when your mates are discussing which one of the Nolans they used to fancy, and you say your favourite was Kevin.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
No, you’ve got it backwards; the green Hungry Hungry Hippo is Pisces, it’s the pink one that’s Libra. Though both can expect fewer marbles than usual this week.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
And very fine big up to the junglist massive to you, too, madam.

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Graduate repossessed by Student Loans Company

BAILIFFS have repossessed a graduate on the grounds that he will never earn enough to repay his student loan, it has emerged.

Tom Logan, 21, was removed from his parents’ home by burly men in bomber jackets and placed in a holding pen at a secret location.

An SLC spokesman said: “With a 2:2 in film studies and a vague plan to become a cocktail bartender while writing a script, Tom is unlikely to become profitable any time soon.

“Even if he abandons his dreams and becomes a teacher, he’s still a bad investment compared with an Oxbridge history graduate inexplicably earning 250k in the City.

“We effectively own Tom so we’ve decided to foreclose on him.”

Logan said: “I explained the quickest way for me to make money was my brilliant concept for a bar with an interactive film experience where you can have a gourmet burger with Travis Bickle or R2D2. Weirdly though they didn’t go for it.

“Then I offered to sell them one of those organs where you have a spare because they come in pairs. I have got two livers right? I skived science lessons.”

After discussions failed to reach a satisfactory conclusion, Logan is being chased through a disused warehouse by Alsatians until his long-suffering parents pay up.