The only Star Wars review you will ever need

THIS film has good points and bad points, not that it makes a blind bit of difference.

The stars of the original trilogy return, which you knew, and though much older they continue to play a vital role which is no surprise to anyone who has seen the trailers and has already booked their cinema seat.

It avoids the worst excesses of the prequels, which you all agree are awful, but you watched them at the time, didn’t you? Twice at the cinema, then you bought them on DVD. And then on Blu-Ray.

Obligatory Jar Jar Binks reference.

In conclusion, this entire review was a waste of both the writer’s and the readers’ time.

Rating: Whatever.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Secret Santa present chillingly well-chosen

A SECRET Santa gift has terrified the recipient by being so thoughtfully chosen it suggests someone in the office knows the real her.

Helen Archer of Lancaster says she has been unable to relax since receiving a hardback photography book which indicates someone nearby has paid close attention to her thoughts and interests.

She said: “The moment I tore off the paper, my blood ran cold.

“I was expecting a comfortingly impersonal Boots three-for-two, but instead it was a book from the art exhibition I went to earlier in the year.

“Somebody in this office has listened to me, remembered my words and used the information in a thoughtful way, breaking every unwritten rule of Secret Santa.

“What if they see me as more than just a colleague to be tolerated 40 hours a week? What if they want to be friends outside work?

“Why couldn’t I have got an eight-inch dark chocolate cream-filled novelty penis, like last year, something without any sinister connotations?”

Colleague Julian Turner said: “I was Helen’s Secret Santa. And yes, it is love.”