Psychic Bob: They secretly call you 'the goose'

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Like all Sagittarians, you love to be the ‘centaur’ of attention! Also you are a human/horse hybrid born of an ungodly liaison. 

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Wax on, wax off. That is why Mr Miyagi’s flesh was so hairless and smooth, flowing like silk on those endless summer nights when you held him with your strong teenage hands.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)As an Aquarius you are cool-headed, detached, and great in a crisis. But does anyone ever shout “Is there an Aquarius in the house?” when their companion has a heart attack? 

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Christmas is coming, and the goose is getting fat. That’s what they call you, behind your back. The goose. Because of how you walk. 

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
On Friday, you reluctantly remove ‘meddling with things man was not meant to understand’ from the Hobbies & Interests section of your CV. 

Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY)
Sunday morning, and the police gently explain that it is not spiking if you do it to your own drinks and no, they can’t let you out of the cell until you’ve been charged.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
The disappointing new Pirelli calendar has left you looking for a new calendar to masturbate over.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
It is only when they access the loft that they find you. Huddled, shivering, naked in a corner. Wet from your own tears. Slowly they coax an explanation from you – you’re the one that created the ‘Freddie’ character in the Christmas Tesco ads. They silently climb back down and nail the loft hatch shut.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You realise you have been a bit lonely lately when you respond to a text from your phone provider notifying you of your bill by asking what they’re up to later.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
This week, the stuff in your house manages to survive flooding damage because, like most houses, it comes with a television that shows weather reports and an upstairs.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
A stroke of luck buying your secret Santa present for work when it turns out shops sell any number of shite items that cost about a fiver.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
In medieval times, your sun sign was actually the Pubic Louse.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Tyson Fury ‘a delight’ at dinner party

BOXER Tyson Fury has charmed guests at a dinner party with his sparkling wit and progressive opinions.

Suburban dinner party organiser Stephen Malley said: “When my wife said she’d invited Tyson Fury I initially had reservations, especially as the other guests were her boss, the neighbours and a nice couple we met at a PTA meeting.

“I left the room to get canapes, and when I returned Tyson was explaining how the best place for a woman is flat on her back.

“I was shocked, but then it became clear that he was explaining the benefits of pilates to my wife, who suffers from muscle stiffness.”

Malley’s wife Emma said: “Tyson said I belonged in the kitchen, but only because my grey dress perfectly matches the artisan tiles. He then correctly guessed that my outfit was from Whistles and complimented the wine.

“Over dessert Tyson said that abortion should never, ever happen. Everyone was a bit taken aback, but he clarified that he just meant in the most general sense that people should start what they finish – giving the example of how I said I’d nearly given up on or ‘aborted’ the creme brulee which actually turned to be ‘divine’.

“Overall he was the perfect guest, except I did notice that when he got in his car he started gnawing the steering wheel like it was a bone.”