Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
An engineering breakthrough this week as your repeated huffing on the train miraculously fixes the broken signals further down the track.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
In your younger days as a groupie you once had sex with Randy Travis. All four of them.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Why not make the second Star Trek film more entertaining by imagining William Shatner is calling his foe a c**t in a cockney accent?

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Your Glass is always half empty, proving what a terrible name for a pub ‘Your Glass’ is.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
After furiously insisting that they ‘connect the goddamned dots’ and ‘do the maths, sheeple’ it’s decided you’re not cut out to be a primary school teacher.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Level 127 of Candy Crush, you say? I mention that Mozart died at the age of 35 merely by way of comparison.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Time to crack out the summer wardrobe, if a pair of cut-off jeans and a stained t-shirt saying ‘Radio 1 Roadshow 1995’ can be called a wardrobe.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
It’s the worst possible time for the air conditioning at work to break down, but fortunately you’re on long-term suspension for that incident in the toilets.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
After another Friday night home alone you want music to match your mood, but iTunes comes up blank for the term ‘murderous’.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
If you don’t like it you have the option to just stop watching it. But your passengers would prefer if you’d pull over from the fast lane.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Bad news from the adoption agency, after you asked if they had any non-union ones that could work a 12-hour shift.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Due to a clerical error you will spend the rest of the month as Scorpio. Quick, start humping something.

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It is too hot to do any work, confirm experts

LEADING scientists have warned Britons not to attempt doing any work today.

Temperatures have passed the tipping point beyond which work is no longer possible.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “You cannot work in this. No way.

“Even if you’ve got all the windows open and a fan going. And air conditioning doesn’t really work, it makes the air really stuffy and germy.”

Professor Brubaker confirmed the temperature today would be ‘really hot’.

He said: “If you try to think about work things, for example processing lab results, you will just die. Your brain would burst because of ‘heat melt’.

“People can go into work if they want but it’s pointless and they certainly should not be forced.”

Meteorologist Tom Booker confirmed that Britain is currently more like a hot country: “The only work you can do in this sort of weather is very slowly mending a fishing net while sitting on a small jetty.

“Not sure what it’ll be like in the rest of the week, too hot to do any forecasts today.”