Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
An engineering breakthrough this week as your repeated huffing on the train miraculously fixes the broken signals further down the track.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
In your younger days as a groupie you once had sex with Randy Travis. All four of them.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Why not make the second Star Trek film more entertaining by imagining William Shatner is calling his foe a c**t in a cockney accent?
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Your Glass is always half empty, proving what a terrible name for a pub Your Glass is.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
After furiously insisting that they connect the goddamned dots and do the maths, sheeple its decided youre not cut out to be a primary school teacher.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Level 127 of Candy Crush, you say? I mention that Mozart died at the age of 35 merely by way of comparison.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Time to crack out the summer wardrobe, if a pair of cut-off jeans and a stained t-shirt saying ‘Radio 1 Roadshow 1995’ can be called a wardrobe.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Its the worst possible time for the air conditioning at work to break down, but fortunately youre on long-term suspension for that incident in the toilets.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
After another Friday night home alone you want music to match your mood, but iTunes comes up blank for the term ‘murderous.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
If you dont like it you have the option to just stop watching it. But your passengers would prefer if youd pull over from the fast lane.
Taurus (20 APRIL 20 MAY)
Bad news from the adoption agency, after you asked if they had any non-union ones that could work a 12-hour shift.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Due to a clerical error you will spend the rest of the month as Scorpio. Quick, start humping something.