Your Astrological Week Ahead

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)

You're feeling great and it shows! Why is everyone pointing? Have they never seen a penis on a bus before?

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)

Spend some time today taking care of small tissues around the home.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)

Don’t play safe. Sometimes you have to ruffle some feathers to get what you want. Especially if it’s chicken sex!

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)

Feel like you'll never find your true soulmate among the frogs and dullards? It’s hard to see why.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)

You find yourself getting into arguments with just about everyone today. Yes, you do.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)

It might be wise for you to lie low a bit this week. The photofit is not perfect but it’s still a good likeness. Good job she did not get a look at your face!

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)

Be generous with your time when a troubled friend needs your undivided attention. You never know, there might be a shag in it!

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)

Make sure you keep the promises you make to your sweetheart. It doesn’t matter how expensive those shoes are. She won’t do that again until you buy them!

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)

Going through old emails will remind you of someone from your past, and you may feel the impulse to contact them again. Think hard! Isn’t that a breach of your probation?

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)

Your chatty nature does get on some friends' nerves occasionally but today it’s getting on everyone’s. Shut the fuck up.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Your inner beauty shines brightly, but not quite brightly enough.

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One Woman's Week: The Art Of Conversation

By Karen Fenessey

In the hard work I do for Britain's primary schools, I battle with complicated class registers on a daily basis. But within the education system, there exists a sub-division who are more familiar with a different kind of register. I refer, of course, to 'art' teachers.

My most recent run-in with one of these salivating misfits occurred last weekend. A young woman wearing appalling clothes kept harassing Donny. "Oh! I’ve totally seen your band! You're great!" she babbled on, no doubt mentally spelling 'great' with a number 8 in it.

Sadly, we couldn't get rid of 'Tori' because Donny kept pretending to enjoy her tiresome fawning. When it emerged she was an art teacher, everything slipped into place. What's more, her creepy boyfriend started talking some gibberish to me about Doctor Who, and I soon realised they were sexual deviants, hell-bent on getting us into bed.

Despite my attempts to steer the conversation they insisted on discussing how you can buy big, blue lights off the shopping channel, which you put in your garden to keep insects away and how funny it would be to stick one up your 'arse'. They all bawled their drunken laughs, like a bunch of alcoholic preteens.

Eventually I gave in to my rage. "Oh for fuck's sake! Will you listen to yourselves?"

"Come on, Karen," said Tori, "It would be worth the pain just to be safe in the knowledge you’d never have a bluebottle up your fandango ever again!" Did she expect me to find this funny? "Are you trying to make me look stupid in front of my boyfriend, you sordid pervert?"

It was then I saw her whole twisted art-teacher plan to get Donny and I into some sleazy sexual scenario, no doubt with hidden cameras wired to the internet.

"You can ply Donny with pints of cherry beer all you want, but you will NEVER drag me into one of your demented orgies. Art teacher? You don’t even know the first thing about Picasso’s brushwork!" And with that I stormed off.

Donny can expect no less than a two month sex ban when he eventually crawls back. It surely won't be long before he realises that art teachers are all just drug addicts who failed A-level English and drink their own piss.