Your Astrological Week Ahead

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)

Your ability to adapt in any situation helps in an unexpected way today. I’d seen drawings of that one but never believed it was physically possible.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)

Having a lengthy internal discussion about what you need from a relationship could make your next date a success. But probably not.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)

Significant bonding take times, but that woman has been at it for half an hour now and you can still move your feet. What are you paying her for?

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)

Remain easy-going today when it seems like hell has broken loose. It won’t actually break loose until tomorrow.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)

To discover a compatible partner you first need to consider what gets your own blood pumping. Then you need to work out if they will fit into your Minnie Mouse costume.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)

Lady Luck is smiling in your direction today. Only one of your legs is going to be severed.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)

While it's rare to find someone who shares your exact interests, it's not impossible. I would try a prison.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)

It is days since you last had it and the temptation is strong to lower your standards to get a date. Is that possible?

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)

Share your thoughts with those who desperately need a new vision. Invent a new religion and target the vulnerable, it’s a great way to make money and get all kinds of sex!

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

A first date is the perfect time to use your allure to its full potential. After dessert is served casually remove your knickers and put them in your handbag, if you have not already!

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)

Why is it you can talk to your pals about your hopes and dreams for hours on end, but when you try it with someone new they walk off immediately? Are your friends deaf? Or just stupid?

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Hollywood Actors Pretend To Go On Strike

HOLLYWOOD could grind to a halt this week after some of the world's biggest stars threatened to pretend to go on strike.

Tom Hanks, Dustin Hoffman and Jack Nicholson have all warned the studios they will be so good at pretending to threaten to go on strike that no-one will be able to tell the difference.

The studios have stressed they are willing to negotiate, but only with bad actors who will give an unconvincing portrayal of someone who is threatening strike action.

Tom Logan, vice-president of Universal, said: "If these guys are at the top of their game we will have absolutely no way of knowing whether the negotiations are real or pretend.

"If Nicholson walks in here and tells me that I 'can't handle the truth' with the same conviction he used in A Few Good Men, I'll have no choice but to believe him.

"What if Hoffman dresses up as a woman and pretends to be a sassy hospital administrator called Dorothy? His pretend feminine wiles are legendary.

"And what if Hanks starts acting all weak and speaking in a croaky voice like at the end of Philadelphia? I'll be so overcome with sympathy I'll end up giving him everything he wants."

Logan said he was happy to talk to second-rate actors who do the same thing over and over gain, making it very easy to spot when they are pretending.

He added: "We'd love to sit down and thrash this out with Vince Vaughan doing his poor man's Bill Murray routine, or Jeff Goldblum's Jurassic Park, hip scientist bullshit."