Your Astrological Week Ahead

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)

Looks are important, but they aren't everything. What's on the inside matters just as much, if not more so. You can forgive a lot for a huge one.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)

Do a friend a favour with no strings attached, but hold out for payment if they insist on being tied up

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)

An impromptu gathering of friends this evening makes for a lovely treat. Do you mind! Your nose is smearing the window.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)

It's time to take a look at your finances and see where you stand. Beachy Head?

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)

You've had so many things on your mind lately that it's starting to take a toll. Give yourself some much needed masturbation.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)

Your partner has been forgetful lately, and sometimes hardly seems to know if you are around. Instead of getting resentful, use it as an opportunity to sleep around more.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)

Relationships are never straightforward. Especially with you. You fucking nutter

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)

If everyone at work is driving you crazy take an assault rifle to the office and gun them down. Elsewhere this week, Venus is promising you quite a whirl around the dance floor!

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)

An insightful friend will have the solution to a problem that's been nagging you for quite some time now. Shame you don’t have one.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Start planning now to make the coming weekend fun and not just another two days of crushing loneliness like all the others.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)

If work stress has you feeling burnt out and close to a nervous breakdown, consider taking up yoga. That will sort everything out.

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Your Problems Solved

Out of desperation I pointed out to my husband that watermelons have the same stimulating properties as Viagra and he agreed to try one out. However, he enjoyed it so much that he has moved it into our bed and asked me to sleep in the spare room because I am putting him off. He says if he leaves it in the microwave for a few seconds first it feels better than the real thing, or his sock.

Petula says: Dear Sammi,
A lot of men are turned on by fruit and vegetables, mainly because they do not demand a pair of shoes and a trip to the hairdressers every time you peel off their outer layers. Maybe you should incorporate his interest in this area into your love-making? Next time he’s about to sneak off to his study to look at the Tesco website tell him to bring the laptop into the lounge and the pair of you can look at it together. I know a lot of people claim that women do not respond to pornography in the same way as men but my heart certainly starts to race a bit when I see a picture of a nice, firm courgette. However, steer clear of the marrows as they will only remind you of what you are missing. If none of this works try turning up the power on the microwave. It will not do anything for your love life but it will boil the end of his privates, which will be a laugh.

Dear Petula,
I have been married for 20 years and my husband has completely lost interest in sex. So much so that I do not have to smear my face in nightcream or sellotape a bit of string to my inside privates to stop him from clambering aboard at the weekend and see-sawing away like an arthritic duck. However, last Friday, instead of getting our traditional takeaway, he burst into the front room naked, said we needed to do something to spice up our love life, smeared his pork kebab with some Patak’s Original Balti Paste and asked me for a go in my tandoori oven. I was outraged. He knows I’m more of a Tikka Mahkni girl. Nevertheless, I’m ashamed to say I found the whole thing quite stimulating. I think it must be the coriander as he still doesn’t really touch the sides, if you catch my drift. Clearly he thinks the same as now he’s demanding I let him put his shashlik in my aloo chat. Isn’t that illegal?

Petula says: Dear Navneeta,
Offering up your aloo chat to the man in your life can be a wonderfully intense experience, or so I am told by some demented perverts, but in my experience it is much more likely to make your nose bleed and leave you walking like John Wayne for a week. If he tries anything like that again I would grab hold of his shashlik, smear it with some Vindaloo and then make a run for it while his eyes are watering. Lock yourself in the bathroom and call the Police. Of course it’s illegal. You don’t live in Wales!