Your Astrological Week Ahead

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

If you want to drive then why don't you just fucking say so, you pedantic, self-righteous cow.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
The only thing holding you back right now is your lack of self-belief. Let it.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Matters of the heart suddenly look far more complex. Perhaps you should have paid slightly more attention during all those cardio-vascular surgery lectures. Your patient certainly thinks so.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Gently massage into wet hair and scalp. Rinse well. No separate conditioner needed.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Venus combines with Jupiter to open your mind and your heart to the plight of others less fortunate than yourself. Luckily Comic Relief was last week so it's unlikely to cost you.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Help a friend out of their negative frame of mind by reminding them of all the good things in their life and then pissing off out of it forever.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Mars makes you more determined than ever to reach your goals, but Neptune has tied your shoelaces together.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Don't let new possibilities pass you by through fear of the unknown. Rely instead on your complete inability to spot an unmissable opportunity when it is offered to you on a plate.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You're a goat. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. You're a goat.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
The Spring equinox is a portal to a busier phase in your affairs, so remember to take a fresh pair of knickers to work with you.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
I don't know what the hell that is but get it away from me.