Your Astrological Week Ahead

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
I can feel it coming in the air tonight, Oh Lord.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Mercury in Gemini gives you itchy feet, but Venus in Aries gives you a long wooden stick thing with an angled head a bit like a fork which you can use to scratch them.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You feel ready to tackle whatever comes your way and you will give it your best shot. It will not be good enough.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Venus and Mars give you a lift to the supermarket, but Neptune fails to pick you up so you have to get a taxi home. He says the steering on his car is broken, but the lying shit was at home watching Emmerdale.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
The two main things you will focus on this week are yourself and yourself.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Awooooooooga. Awooooooooga. Dive! Dive!

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Work must take precedence over private pursuits this week, but if you can fit in a lunchtime gang-bang or a store cupboard three-way during a coffee break then well done.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
If you have someone close into whose loving and protective arms you can sink then fine, I just don’t believe you, not with that arse.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Venus leaves your sign and enters Aries, god you are going to miss him, his strong forearms, the square jaw, and that strangely alluring odour of genitals and dead fox.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
A meaty week ahead, with some chewy gristle on Tuesday and a thing that is really quite tasty but unidentifiable, although it might once have been a testicle.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Pluto makes you sit up and beg and then throws a badly chewed tennis ball into the corner of the room for you to fetch over and over again. And you love it.