Your Astrological Week Ahead

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)

Does dating seem like more work than it's worth right now? Stay home and masturbate frenziedly instead.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)

Find people with similar interests by joing a local club or hobby organisation. And if there isn't a bestiality society in your area already, set one up yourself!

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)

A great sense of humour is what sets you apart from the competition: you don't have one.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)

Confusion seems to be your middle name today. Tomorrow it will be Aloysius.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)

Use that same drive for success you have at work in your love life. Tell your wife there is no 'I' in threesome.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)

When offering your point of view, make an effort to be more constructive with your criticism. Don't say 'that's fucking shit', say 'that's just not fucking good enough, you tit'.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)

You need to be more direct with that girl on the bus you've got your eye on. No need for dramatic proclamations. Just place her hand on your erection next time she sits next to you. It worked last time.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)

Love is not a fast food restaurant. Real relationships take time to establish, grow and evolve. You should stick to shallow and meaningless sex. It's what you do best.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)

Instead of wishing for that dream job, make it happen. Anything is possible if you sleep with the right people, instead of just everyone!

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)

When it feels like Cupid has left you behind, your optimism could still help you find love. But somehow I doubt it.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Use your skills as a trendsetter in your love life. Anal sex? Why it's the new black darling.

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Crewe Goes All Fancy

CREWE was prancing around quite the thing last night after getting itself a fancy new millionaire to represent it in parliament.

The Cheshire town went all la-di-da just after 2am and immediately started organising a hoity-toity tea party with cucumber sandwiches.

Crewe's neighbours dismissed the sudden interest in finery, stressing the town wouldn't know a fish knife if someone stabbed them with it.

But last night the town was proudly showing off its new MP and is already planning a charabanc trip to Ascot.

Margaret Thompson, head of the local chamber of commerce, said: "Everyone, this is Edward.

"Look at his lovely clean fingernails. He's got more than one suit, he knows which wine to order and he talks like one of them newsreaders off the telly."

She added: "He's even got some A levels, not like that dirty brute from Congleton with his coarse language and his constant wind."

Edward Timpson, the new MP, said: "Crewe is an awful place with terrible problems and yet I find the people are always so jolly."

Mr Timpson said his first act would be to hand out shiny pennies from the steps of the town hall and lay on free beer and pickled eggs.

He added: "And one day soon I will choose one of you to accompany me to the grandest ball in all London!"