Your Astrological Week Ahead

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)

Does dating seem like more work than it's worth right now? Stay home and masturbate frenziedly instead.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)

Find people with similar interests by joing a local club or hobby organisation. And if there isn't a bestiality society in your area already, set one up yourself!

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)

A great sense of humour is what sets you apart from the competition: you don't have one.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)

Confusion seems to be your middle name today. Tomorrow it will be Aloysius.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)

Use that same drive for success you have at work in your love life. Tell your wife there is no 'I' in threesome.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)

When offering your point of view, make an effort to be more constructive with your criticism. Don't say 'that's fucking shit', say 'that's just not fucking good enough, you tit'.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)

You need to be more direct with that girl on the bus you've got your eye on. No need for dramatic proclamations. Just place her hand on your erection next time she sits next to you. It worked last time.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)

Love is not a fast food restaurant. Real relationships take time to establish, grow and evolve. You should stick to shallow and meaningless sex. It's what you do best.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)

Instead of wishing for that dream job, make it happen. Anything is possible if you sleep with the right people, instead of just everyone!

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)

When it feels like Cupid has left you behind, your optimism could still help you find love. But somehow I doubt it.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Use your skills as a trendsetter in your love life. Anal sex? Why it's the new black darling.