Your Astrological Week Ahead With…

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
It's 10 years since you struck out for the big city to make your fortune. To celebrate, how about you hurry up and bring me that coffee I ordered?

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
A week of surprise, success and good luck for your best friend, but the usual dreary work shit for you, and more crushing sexual disappointment.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Listen, people are genuinely interested in you, your work and ideas. So come on, put down the knife, untie them and let them go.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Jupiter arrives in your sign tonight, the planet of luck, liberation and drunken public casual sex two weeks before your much-anticipated wedding. There is still time to cancel the flowers.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
The stars are fresh out of Venus this week. I can do you some Jupiter until Friday, if that's any use?

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Restrict your cavalier behaviour to wearing a big floppy hat, ridiculing Puritans, and cavorting in ale houses with pox-ridden whores whose ample breasts are like soft, over-ripe melons.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Whatever deep longing you’re going through or tough decision you have to make, get a move on. Everyone you know is absolutely fucking sick of hearing about it.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion, C-beams glittering in the darkness at Tan Hauser Gate, slippers with their own headlights, and an electric box for your pills, which even has its own water supply.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
If romance really is your thing, why not try changing your pants occasionally, washing your hair, and preparing at least one interesting thing to say to someone you've just met.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
You need to take the time to think through your ambitions because you are shit, and you know you are.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Okay, so von Rundstedt was right and this Normandy thing is the real deal, but there is still no need to withdraw to more easily defensible positions inland like he says. Instead, launch a surprise counter -attack at Caen with the 9th Panzer division and you'll soon drive them back into the sea where they belong!