Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
In your local hipster coffee shop ‘skinny white’ is the most popular coffee order and a description of the staff.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Legs is your favourite ZZ Top song about a woman learning how to walk again after a spinal injury.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Still no word from Channel 4 about your documentary idea where several ursines attack a naked survivalist called Bare Bears & Bare Bear.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
On Saturday, your cousin’s wedding is ruined when a little dog starts a fight on the dance floor and turns it into a scrappy do.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Getting your Lowri Turner name by combining a Northern painter and a landscape painter, you discover yours is Hockney Monet.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
At the end of your date, he gives you a charmingly old-world peck on the cheek and puts you into a cab, meaning you have to disconnect the camera equipment and the gimp swing in your flat alone.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Another day, another dollar. Unless you work in a sweat shop, in which case it’s another 75 cents.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Your first AA meeting goes badly after you bring a bottle of red and a bottle of white because you were unsure what people preferred.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You don’t understand people who use Facebook to humblebrag as you’re unfamiliar with the concept of humility or having anything to brag about.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Typical, there’s no buses then three turn up at once. Sorry, not buses. Heart attacks.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Your upbeat outlook, ready smile and eternal optimism are just three reasons why everyone loathes you.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
For the last 20 years you’ve been obeying the instructions on a shirt that say ‘Do Not Iron’.

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Drug laws only work on the over-30s

BRITAIN’S drug laws only work against 35-year-olds who have been ground down by years of inconvenience, it has been claimed.

New data shows that recreational users who laughed at cannabis prohibition in their youth eventually find scoring is such a pain in the arse that they give up.

Tom Booker of Brighton said: “As President of the university Hemp Society, I once argued that drug prohibition was irrelevant because it was easier to get an ounce of skunk than a can of Fanta.

“But the truth of that diminishes with age, and if I have to watch Stargate Atlantis in a friend-of-a-friend’s untidy flat for two hours before being ripped off with shitty resin again I’ll turn to smack.

“Which ironically will be even more difficult to buy.”

A spokesman for the Home Office confirmed that drug policy specifies Class B drugs, like cannabis, must have a purchase process so infuriating that any benefits are effectively cancelled out.

Meanwhile Class A drugs like cocaine and ecstasy that are sold to over-30s must involve a long car journey to see a man who keeps bull terriers and opens the door wielding a golf club.

Sociologist Dr Mary Fisher said: “Drug use is like dating. In your 20s, everyone’s doing it for a laugh but by your 30s, the only ones left are people with something seriously wrong with them.”