Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
In your local hipster coffee shop ‘skinny white’ is the most popular coffee order and a description of the staff.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Legs is your favourite ZZ Top song about a woman learning how to walk again after a spinal injury.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Still no word from Channel 4 about your documentary idea where several ursines attack a naked survivalist called Bare Bears & Bare Bear.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
On Saturday, your cousin’s wedding is ruined when a little dog starts a fight on the dance floor and turns it into a scrappy do.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Getting your Lowri Turner name by combining a Northern painter and a landscape painter, you discover yours is Hockney Monet.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
At the end of your date, he gives you a charmingly old-world peck on the cheek and puts you into a cab, meaning you have to disconnect the camera equipment and the gimp swing in your flat alone.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Another day, another dollar. Unless you work in a sweat shop, in which case it’s another 75 cents.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Your first AA meeting goes badly after you bring a bottle of red and a bottle of white because you were unsure what people preferred.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You don’t understand people who use Facebook to humblebrag as you’re unfamiliar with the concept of humility or having anything to brag about.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Typical, there’s no buses then three turn up at once. Sorry, not buses. Heart attacks.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Your upbeat outlook, ready smile and eternal optimism are just three reasons why everyone loathes you.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
For the last 20 years you’ve been obeying the instructions on a shirt that say ‘Do Not Iron’.