Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
This week you learn that the tradition of throwing the manager into the air when a football team wins a trophy is why Allardyce has never won anything.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
You just thought of a funny way of writing ‘100’ in Roman numerals. LOL.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
The apocalypse doesn’t sound so scary when you consider it only has four horsepower.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Know that bit in The Abyss where he’s struggling to inhale that blue liquid? 5pm this Friday, that will be the opposite of you and a pint of gin.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Playing cricket this weekend, you get the other side to declare by showing them a little mouse with clogs on.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
A watched pot never boils. An unwatched pot boils but you don’t know where it is. So pots are quantum particles. I’m fairly sure that’s right.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
The boat and the train, sure. We know about those. But what of the gravy plane?

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
As a kid you dreamed of being an astronaut but right now you’d settle for not having to get up at four in the morning to piss.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Some people can’t take a joke. Or having their insulin hidden.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You can’t choose your family. You can’t choose you friends either, because most people find you insufferable.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
After years of procrastinating you finally get round to writing that novel you always planned about a boy who finds out he’s a wizard and goes to wizard school.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Phone lines have now closed. Forgot to pay the bill.

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Jordan very sad

JORDAN is sad now because she got married to a man but he is a bad man.

Jordan is in the paper and on telly too sometimes but not so much these days. She has big boobs and a big house, like what you want.

She said: “I am sad, the man is bad and he did a thing that made me feel upset inside.

“I want to go in my house and cry. He is a dirty dirty man.

“I want a man to be nice to me, then I will not be sad. I will be happy.”

The reason Jordan is sad is that the man put it in a woman, like when a man and woman make a baby but not like that because they do not love each other.

The man said: “I am a bad man. I liked doing the thing with the lady when I did it, but now I think it was not a good idea.”

Jordan wrote on the Twitter: “All of the men just think about putting it in many women. Why is this?

“I like horses.”

38-year-old Heat read Mary Fisher said: “The man is bad. I want Jordan to go on a horse with Peter Andre.

“The horse has wings and they will fly up in the sky forever.”