Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
This week you learn that the tradition of throwing the manager into the air when a football team wins a trophy is why Allardyce has never won anything.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
You just thought of a funny way of writing ‘100’ in Roman numerals. LOL.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
The apocalypse doesn’t sound so scary when you consider it only has four horsepower.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Know that bit in The Abyss where he’s struggling to inhale that blue liquid? 5pm this Friday, that will be the opposite of you and a pint of gin.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Playing cricket this weekend, you get the other side to declare by showing them a little mouse with clogs on.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
A watched pot never boils. An unwatched pot boils but you don’t know where it is. So pots are quantum particles. I’m fairly sure that’s right.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
The boat and the train, sure. We know about those. But what of the gravy plane?
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
As a kid you dreamed of being an astronaut but right now you’d settle for not having to get up at four in the morning to piss.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Some people can’t take a joke. Or having their insulin hidden.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You can’t choose your family. You can’t choose you friends either, because most people find you insufferable.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
After years of procrastinating you finally get round to writing that novel you always planned about a boy who finds out he’s a wizard and goes to wizard school.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Phone lines have now closed. Forgot to pay the bill.