Work is fun, confirm bosses

BRITAIN’S bosses have confirmed that work is fun and not boring as claimed by Benefits Street star White Dee.

Business leaders urged workers to ignore White Dee in case they started to have negative thoughts about carrying heavy boxes, putting numbers into spreadsheets or pestering strangers to buy insurance.

CBI chief Denys Finch Hatton said: “White Dee is completely insane and may need to be locked up.

“Work is endlessly fun and stimulating. For example, if you’re a toilet cleaner, you can pretend you’re taking part in the ‘toilet olympics’ by seeing how many toilets you can clean in a morning.

“And working in an office is exactly like being at a party, if parties had a photocopier and all the guests sat in silence inputting data.

“I love work. Today I thought about how much I get paid for sitting on the boards of companies, making elementary management decisions for a few hours a week and I couldn’t stop smiling.”

Finch Hatton added that it was unlikely so many people would give up 40 hours a week for wages that barely covered food and travel costs if they weren’t having a really good time.

Factory worker Donna Sheridan said: “I’m not sure if my job is fun or not. I used to think it was so boring I might go mad, but now I have quite interesting conversations with the fish fingers.”

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Wisdom ends association with beards

THE virtue of wisdom has ended its affiliation with beards.

Wisdom and beards have been hand-in-hand for centuries, with gods from Zeus to Yahweh sporting luxuriant facial hair as a sign of their sagacity.

But the growing fashion for beards means that men, and Eurovision winner Conchita, are increasingly credited with wisdom they do not possess.

Wisdom said: “For millennia the world has known that if you need answers on the big questions then you climb a mountain, find a man with facial hair that tickles his nipples and ask away.

“But find such a man today and the biggest question he’ll be able to answer is which is The National’s best album.

“Which, while useful, isn’t really up there on the list of eternal verities.”

Wisdom has yet to decide which physical quality it will choose as a partner going forward, with glasses, eyebrows that meet in the middle and neck tattoos all putting in bids.

Beard-wearer Nathan Muir said: “I find this actually very unfair, because I do have a great deal of wisdom to offer.

“For example, I could tell you the top five dogging sites in Redditch right now. I think that qualifies me to call myself a guru.”