Couples that watch TV in bed have better vicarious sex lives

COUPLES with televisions in the bedroom enjoy better and more frequent sex by proxy, it has emerged.

Households with bedroom TVs experienced more than three times as many sex acts at one remove than those who read books or surfed the internet.

Housewife Susan Traherne said: “We’re watching Scandal, True Blood and Californication like a couple of wild-libidoed maniacs until four in the morning. We just can’t get enough.”

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Sex in real life can’t live up to the sex in movies and on TV.

“It rarely has a smoky saxophone soundtrack, let alone moonlight casting slatted shadows on two writhing naked bodies on perfect dishevelled white sheets.

“Perhaps there was a place for first-person intercourse before HD and Blu-Ray, but certainly it’s over now.”

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I am shit at this, admits Clegg

NICK Clegg has refused to resign as Lib Dem leader but has admitted he is absolutely shit at it.

The self-styled deputy prime minister said stepping down would be pointless and that he should continue even though he was probably going to get even worse.

He added: “I had the first vague inkling that I was very bad at this about two years ago when I realised I hadn’t made any difference to anything.

“But when I agreed to debate Nigel Farage about Europe, on television, I suddenly thought, ‘fucking hell, I really don’t have a clue’.

“Anyway, I’ve had a chat with Vince Cable and we agreed that he’s shit at his job too and would be just as shit at my job as I am.

“So it’s all fine.”