Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
You hate clumsily surreal comedy as much as a diamanté otter hates filling in an application form for a pilot’s license.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Tomorrow, you borrow the Pitbull album out of the library. Just to stop anyone else doing it.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
What Sam Matterface? Hey! Gotta no respect. Hey!

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
No, Orange Is The New Black isn’t about the rising levels of racism toward Oompa Loompas.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
“The sky darkened like toast on too high a toaster setting. Night descended like a pubescent testicle”. Novel writing is difficult, isn’t it?

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
So on Friday you forget a hole punch is an item of stationery and your colleague asks for one and a hospital gets involved and anyway is your CV up to date?

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
John, I can’t help but feel that a camp that farms both melons and cougars is a bad business plan.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Monday is a good day to catch up with your family, after they dumped you in a lay-by during a driving holiday.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Get up offa that thing, and dance ’til you feel better. Now get back onto that thing and sit still ’til you feel worse again.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
You pride yourself on Common Sense but unfortunately it’s the underwhelming rapper you’re referring to.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Mindfulness is a technique to help focus one’s brain and deal with difficult thoughts by lying very still in a quiet room and gently allowing – get your hands away from your crotch!

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
All you’re asking for is a fair day’s pay. A fair day’s work? Oh, stuff that.

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Supermarkets openly targeting tight bastards

TESCO has launched a special Tight Bastard range aimed at misers.

Morrison’s is to follow suit next week with its Obsessive Penny-Pincher brand while Aldi is developing a range of Mean-Spirited Meal Deals.

A Tesco spokesman said: “It’s time to stop mincing words. This year it’s been all about courting the so-called ‘savvy shopper’, ‘bargain hunter’ or ‘cost-conscious shopper’.

“These can be effectively grouped together with the umbrella term of ‘tight bastards’.”

The Tesco Tight Bastard range includes Plain Cake for 4p and Industrial Custard for half a pence, a unit of currency which has been officially discontinued but that many tight bastards have stockpiled in glass jars.

There are currently an estimated 3,000,000 tight bastards in the UK. Because of their frugal ways they are believed to be the only people with any actual money left.

68-year-old miser Roy Hobbs said: “It all seems a bit fancy and frivolous to me. 4p for a plain cake? I’m not made of money.

“I’ll wait until it goes stale, then get it out of the skip round the back.”