Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
You hate clumsily surreal comedy as much as a diamanté otter hates filling in an application form for a pilot’s license.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Tomorrow, you borrow the Pitbull album out of the library. Just to stop anyone else doing it.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
What Sam Matterface? Hey! Gotta no respect. Hey!
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
No, Orange Is The New Black isn’t about the rising levels of racism toward Oompa Loompas.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
“The sky darkened like toast on too high a toaster setting. Night descended like a pubescent testicle”. Novel writing is difficult, isn’t it?
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
So on Friday you forget a hole punch is an item of stationery and your colleague asks for one and a hospital gets involved and anyway is your CV up to date?
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
John, I can’t help but feel that a camp that farms both melons and cougars is a bad business plan.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Monday is a good day to catch up with your family, after they dumped you in a lay-by during a driving holiday.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Get up offa that thing, and dance ’til you feel better. Now get back onto that thing and sit still ’til you feel worse again.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
You pride yourself on Common Sense but unfortunately it’s the underwhelming rapper you’re referring to.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Mindfulness is a technique to help focus one’s brain and deal with difficult thoughts by lying very still in a quiet room and gently allowing – get your hands away from your crotch!
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
All you’re asking for is a fair day’s pay. A fair day’s work? Oh, stuff that.