UK in deadly grip of Pimm’s

BRITAIN is reeling under an onslaught of Pimm’s-fuelled violence and disorder due to forgetting that the summer drink is alcoholic.

The authorities have warned that Pimm’s is intoxicating despite being a garden drink with bits of salad in it.

A government spokesman said: “Normally law-abiding people are ransacking shops for more strawberries and mint. The economy is in freefall because unexpectedly bad Pimm’s hangovers have resulted in just six people turning up for work this week.”

Office manager Donna Sheridan said: “Pimm’s isn’t a proper drink like lager or vodka, so there’s no way the 33 glasses I drank at our barbecue could have contributed to me punching my sister-in-law in the face.

“And despite what the police say, I can’t believe my husband Clive would set fire to fourteen parked cars. He’s a chartered accountant.”

Today police were appealing for the safe return of ‘face of Pimm’s’ actor Alexander Armstrong, last seen being dragged from his car by a large group of drunken 50-something women in flattering summer dresses.

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Commonwealth Games uniform designed to trigger war

SCOTLAND’S official uniform for the Commonwealth Games is intended to start a war with England.

The patently ridiculous get-up is expected to provoke English mockery at such a level that Scots will take up arms.

Alex Salmond said: “Scotland has a grand tradition of looking absurd in battle, from painting our faces blue to putting skirts on men.

It’s all calculated to get the other side laughing, which gets our people fighting mad.

“By the time the Games begin, English laughter will be filling the air and our boys in turd-coloured socks and shirts that would shame a stand-up comedian will pour across the border wielding sharpened sporting equipment.

“Based on our war record Scotland will lose, but the brief conflict will unite the country behind independence from the UK.”

Glaswegian Bill McKay said: “I knew there had to be a good reason for us hosting the budget version of the Olympics.”