Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Liven up work by proposing, as an alternative to a think tank, a contemplation submarine.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Oh, hello, here’s that Jason Statham chap wearing a suit and looking cross while an entire building explodes behind him. I wonder if this film is an EM Forster adaptation?

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
The fact you didn’t know she’d got married makes a work conversation about Cheryl Cole’s ring somewhat disconcerting.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
After having twelve months to think up a new Dr Who storyline, this week you scrawl “Fuck it, Daleks again” on a Post-It note and go back to sleep.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
If you’re looking to buy a house with good transport links, you may want to try ‘Not In Service’.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Bye, bye to my license to drive. Had a bevy, drove my Chevy and got charged with drink-drive.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
It’s really hard to find a builder at short notice. Especially one prepared to pave a suspiciously lumpy garden.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Call it a staff reshuffle all you want but you’re still sat in the car park with a cardboard box full of your stuff.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Shopping at Aldi doesn’t have the stigma it used to, but maybe look elsewhere for a wedding dress.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Chessington clearly have a different definition of the word ‘adventure’, if their attitude toward sex on a log flume is anything to go by.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
After watching BBC News 24 for three days straight you concede they’re not going to report on that weird pork scratching you sent them.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You like your women like you like your women. Female.

The Daily Mash in your inbox
privacy

Vets taking the absolute piss

VETS are charging up to £70 to stick a needle in a cat, it has emerged.

Researchers found that despite not even being qualified to look after people, veterinary surgeons are charging large sums to perform animal operations that are revolting but probably not very hard.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Britons love their pets more than any human family members, so animal doctors charge a fucking fortune to keep them alive.

“They have absolutely no qualms about selling you special cat food, vitamin-enhanced goldfish water and expensive insurance that covers your dog for space travel.

“Then after making a big song and dance about your pet’s health, they’re quite happy to kill it for you when it gets a bit knackered.”

Vet Tom Booker said: “You have to study for five years, although a lot of that is playing rugby and having sex with agricultural students.

“You wouldn’t believe the creatures some people want me to heal. Someone brought in a rat the other day. A rat!

“Still, we got a couple of hundred quid for selling them some rat ointment.”