Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Liven up work by proposing, as an alternative to a think tank, a contemplation submarine.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Oh, hello, here’s that Jason Statham chap wearing a suit and looking cross while an entire building explodes behind him. I wonder if this film is an EM Forster adaptation?
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
The fact you didn’t know she’d got married makes a work conversation about Cheryl Cole’s ring somewhat disconcerting.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
After having twelve months to think up a new Dr Who storyline, this week you scrawl Fuck it, Daleks again on a Post-It note and go back to sleep.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
If you’re looking to buy a house with good transport links, you may want to try ‘Not In Service’.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Bye, bye to my license to drive. Had a bevy, drove my Chevy and got charged with drink-drive.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
It’s really hard to find a builder at short notice. Especially one prepared to pave a suspiciously lumpy garden.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Call it a staff reshuffle all you want but you’re still sat in the car park with a cardboard box full of your stuff.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Shopping at Aldi doesn’t have the stigma it used to, but maybe look elsewhere for a wedding dress.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Chessington clearly have a different definition of the word ‘adventure’, if their attitude toward sex on a log flume is anything to go by.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
After watching BBC News 24 for three days straight you concede they’re not going to report on that weird pork scratching you sent them.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You like your women like you like your women. Female.