Garden furniture asks if it can come in

YOUR garden table and chairs have asked if they can come inside with the other furniture for a bit.

The outdoor furniture set, which is kept in the garage when not in the garden, says it just wants to see what it’s like in the house.

The table continued: “There’s other kinds of furniture that never seem to leave the house, and we thought we could have a lot to talk about.

“Like what it’s like inside, and what it’s like outside in the lovely fresh open air, and perhaps if they fancied having a little swap.

“We probably won’t tell them about the garage.”

The garden chairs, a table and a parasol entered the house and proceeded to have a good look round, upstairs and down, before settling down in your lounge where they appeared to be talking to your sofa about your drinking and your big fat heavy arse.

Despite hints, they appeared to be in no hurry to leave.

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Gove to spend days using internet in library

MICHAEL Gove is to spend his days in his local library, using the internet in a furtive manner.

Fellow library members say the former education secretary ignores the one hour time limit for internet usage, and types with one finger while eating meat paste sandwiches from a lunchbox which is actually an old ice cream tub.

Librarian Donna Sheridan said: “Michael has a lady’s bicycle, waterproof trousers and a lingering aroma of boiled meat.

“He comes in most days to read The Telegraph and use the internet, but he gets very agitated if you try to look at the screen. Judging by his browsing history he seems to have a bit of a thing for Anne from the 1970s ITV production of The Famous Five.

“However he is one of our best borrowers. He can’t get enough of his history books and adventure stories, but I’m afraid we will not be ordering Biggles in Borneo for him due to its offensive cover art.

“He’s harmless, but there’s a sadness about him. I suspect he’s an old-fashioned romantic, but has never known a woman due to looking like a music hall ventriloquist’s dummy.”

Library users said Gove sometimes attempted to befriend them by offering broken biscuits from a carrier bag.

Gove said: “Great Britain invented libraries. They have toilets which means you never have to buy your own toilet paper if you can hold it in long enough.

“What’s your favourite Sven Hassel novel? Mine is Monte Cassino or SS General