Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
That dramatic music in your head between buying ice cold beers on the way home from work and getting home to open one? That’s not a good sign.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
This week you learn that due to the proliferation of Kenny Loggins in the 80s, Kenny forests have all but died out in the US.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Why not imagine it’s raining, Missy Elliot has three kids and she calls their coat a ‘freak’?
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You think you’ve managed to cure your premature ejaculation but for a while there it was touch and go.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
During a thunderstorm this weekend you feel like you should stand in the garden and roar into the face of an unjust, godless universe while the bruise-coloured sky screams sheets of fire and hot, fat drops of rain. But you’ll probably just watch Dragon’s Den instead.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You consider yourself a pragmatist. In fact you fucking hate pragmats.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
On Monday you’re attending your first class in binary, ‘Binary 101’, which means you’ve missed the first four lessons.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Still no word from Universal Pictures about your remake of Speed, set on Southern Trains, where every minute one of their trains is late, their chief executive gets another slap.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
There’s nothing as good as discovering a new singer or writer, except perhaps discovering that bag of weed down the back of the couch you thought you’d lost.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
In this hot weather, a nice cool bath is just the thing to take the edge off. Maybe a chilled glass of wine to go with it. In fact, forget the bath. And the glass. Look, just open the bottle.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Home brew is an excellent way to beat the credit crunch, as well as eradicating the need for fibre in your diet.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Do not exceed prescribed dose, unless it’s Friday and you feel like getting mashed up.