Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
The longest journey starts with a single step. And the shortest one. All the other ones, too. Not sure where I’m going with this. 

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Today, you rub some cavity-reducing toothpaste on a book of TS Eliot poems and now there’s a cat in it called Ma.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
On Friday you end up pulling a Buzzfeed headline writer. What happens next will blow your mind. And require a course of antibiotics.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You local book shop has a special offer on The Life Of Pi – 22 for the price of 7.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
This weekend, your promise at the start of the year to pledge £1 to charity every time Russell Brand uses the word ‘narrative’ in a think piece sees you having to sell your car.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Your current health fad of drinking coconut water doesn’t really count if it’s Malibu, no.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
At your last visit to the swimming pool you managed thirty lengths, which left you too exhausted to go for a swim.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
“I believe in miracles since you came along, you sexy thing.” I prefer to be called ‘Jesus’, actually.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Your boss is very understanding and supportive and on Monday will suggest you recalibrate your work/life balance to somewhere in the region of 0%/100%

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
It’s time to stop lying to yourself. Especially when lying to other people is so much more profitable.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Gemini is the sun sign of duality – light and shade, optimism and pessimism and in your case, vodka and coke.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
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Hovercrafts mental

HOVERCRAFTS are mental, it has emerged.

Experts believe that hovercrafts are easily as futuristic as jetpacks or flying skateboards, but are better overall because they actually work.

Engineer Tom Logan said: “Have you looked at a hovercraft lately? Take a few minutes to check out your nearest hovercraft and you will be blown away.

“It’s a boat that floats on fucking air. You can sail it or drive it on a road.

“I make things for a living but I’ve no idea how that is possible. It must be alien technology.”

“Hovercrafts are frequently overlooked because of their association with normal ferries, which are lame.”

Roy Hobbs, who helped design the first hovercraft, said: “I thought the world would freak out over it.

“Instead everyone said it was ‘interesting’ and ‘quite good’. I was like, ‘but it hovers‘. Then someone muttered something about planes and tanks being better.

“I soon realised we had made the most underrated thing of all time.”