Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Historians can be so fickle – Lady Godiva was immortalised for riding through Coventry naked on a horse but cycling through Halfords with your cock out didn’t even make the regional news bulletin.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Pinch the bridge of your nose and tilt your head back to staunch the bleeding. Oops, sorry, I haven’t smacked you in the face yet, have I?

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Rather than putting Gary Busey in the Celebrity Big Brother house, you wish they’d have booked his brother Krissaka.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You really like vine tomatoes, you just wish they could last longer than six seconds.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You put your left leg in, your left leg out, in out in out and eventually the bus driver just closes the doors.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
You have a rude awakening on Monday when your alarm clock tells you to go fuck yourself.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
This week you will try to convince your neurosurgeon friends that the part of the brain that responds to drippy 90s acoustic pop is known as the Lisa lobe.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
After the success of the Kepler space telescope, you can’t wait for the Wilsoner and the Bettyer telescopes.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Elschnig’s intracapsular ophthalmic forceps. You could have somebody’s eye out with those.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Bad news tomorrow as you fail to get that job on a magazine after they tell you that ‘desktop publishing and design experience’ doesn’t include knowing how to use the Moonpig website.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
You were disappointed to watch Jeremy Clarkson’s ice bucket challenge video and see they didn’t replace the cold water with gallons of hot pig piss.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Give a man a fish and it will totally confuse him. Especially if you’re in a nightclub.

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Seven year-olds to be taught how to end relationships via text

PRIMARY schoolchildren are to be educated in ending relationships by text, email, and Skype.

The lessons would teach seven-year-olds how and when to employ phrases like “I’m just not at that place in my life right now”.

Minister for Schools David Laws said: “Seeing children in the playground shouting ‘I don’t like you anymore,’ and shoving each other to the ground made me realise how behind we are.

“By 2018, every nine-year-old will be able to compose a beautiful, handwritten letter ostensibly absolving the dumpee of all blame while leaving them with haunting doubts about every aspect of their appearance and character.”

The curriculum will teach nine-year-olds how to act out unresolved resentment on a series of blameless partners, 12-year-olds how to maintain a burner mobile for hook-ups, and 18-year-olds to identify when a fuckbuddy is drifting toward commitment.

Prime minister David Cameron is apparently planning to take the classes himself in preparation for the difficult conversation he expects to have with Nick Clegg next May.