Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Don’t stop thinking about tomorrow, don’t stop – it’ll soon be here. And it’ll be almost identical to the four thousand days before it.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
While you hope your cat isn’t playing in quicksand on Monday, you have a sinking feline.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Hackers seem pretty uninterested in your hard drive full of Bude photos this week.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
After negotiating the audition process for X Factor, you’re really looking forward to the first live show where you will debut your song Simon Cowell Is A Basket Of Prick.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Oh, hello, here’s that Jason Statham chap wearing a suit and looking cross while an entire building explodes behind him. I wonder if this film is an EM Forster adaptation?

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
You will spend the next three months in hospital after you try to iron Mike Tyson.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Your looped ‘y’ indicates a flamboyant personality and the forward sloping suggests impatience. But it’s the fact you have written it in your own dung that’s really going to banjax your parole application.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Your bid to make everyone like you at work by always making a brew fails due to your being a southerner who likes sugary milk piss.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
No, you’re not a humanitarian. You’re a human IT Aryan.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Your plan to cut down to one to one glass of wine a day is going well after you buy a glass the size of your head.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Avoiding disappointment by never wishing for anything continues to work for you.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Mmmbopbadooeyopbapmmmbopbadooeyop. And so forth.

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Bill Gates to buy GQ and burn it to the ground

BILL Gates is to buy men’s magazine GQ, sack everyone, evacuate the building and set fire to it.

The Microsoft tycoon said that if GQ was going to give Tony Blair its Philanthropist of the Year award then he was going to give it his Smouldering Heap of the Year award.

He said: “I am giving all of my money to charity. And that’s more money than anyone has ever had. I’m not saying I want the award, I’m saying ‘I’m going to destroy you’.

“You called Tony Blair a philanthropist thereby ruining, forever, the appeal of being a philanthropist. Seriously, get out of the building now.”

GQ editor Dylan Jones pleaded with Gates adding: “It was a simple mistake, we thought philanthropy was an old fashioned word for property investment.

“Anyway, the main thing is Tony Blair now knows who I am.”