D:Ream to combat asteroid threat

BRIAN Cox has recruited members of his old band as astronauts for an asteroid-smashing suicide mission.

The band has requested tartan spacesuits

Following Cox’s warnings that a giant space rock is hurtling towards Earth, NASA agreed to supply a shuttle which the physicist and his former D:Ream bandmates will pilot on a perilous journey to save mankind.

Cox told his fellow musicians they would probably not be coming home: “I explained there was an asteroid the size of Swindon hurtling towards Earth, and that we would need to land a shuttle on it, plant a nuclear device then somehow escape with our lives.

“It’s basically a suicide mission but if we survive the United Nations has promised us a major label album deal and a stadium tour.

“Obviously I’m busy with telly stuff, it’s more for them really.”

Experts put D:Ream’s chances of survival at less than one in a trillion.

Former astronaut Tom Booker said: “The singer, Pete Cunnah, should be lead pilot because frontmen have the combination of flair and bravado needed to pull off risky manoeuvres.

“Cox is the obvious choice for priming the nuclear bomb due to his nimble keyboard-playing fingers.

“I also suggest taking some backing dancers as they are easily replaceable and it doesn’t really matter if they get sucked into space while repairing the craft.

“The main thing is to stay focused and not let creative differences, for example over whether future material should incorporate dubstep elements or stick with the club anthems route, condemn humanity to a fiery death.”

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Knee-jerk response to ISIS taking an awfully long time

WESTERN governments are taking too long to come up with an ill-thought out response to ISIS, it has been claimed.

‘We don’t have a strategy that isn’t shit’

Furious people have demanded to know why every last one of these Islamic State savages was not killed at least a week ago.

Martin Bishop, from Peterborough, said: “Smart bombs.

“Kill them all with those smart bombs that only kill the people you want to kill.”

Jane Thomson, from Hatfield, added: “SAS, Navy Seals, that sort of thing. Balaclavas, under cover of night, one shot-one kill. Just do that 10 to 15 thousand times.”

But Tom Logan, from Stevenage, stressed that while he was opposed to knee-jerk responses, he was very much in favour of responses that were both good and soon.

He said: “It’s just the 21st Century equivalent of the SS, so there’s no rush. Give it a year, maybe two, then we can do something.

“But by then they’ll probably have got bored and given up because their religious fanaticism does seem pretty flimsy.

“In the meantime, could we maybe just crack on with removing the passports of nutters who want to kill everybody?”