Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)

Your first day as a vicar on Monday will be a baptism of fire. As a result it will be your last day, too.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
So somebody finds a shawl with the jizz of Jack The Ripper on it and two days later Kate Middleton is pregnant? Coincidence?

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Embarrassment on Saturday at a gig when you put your hands in the air but accidentally wave them like you really do care.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
If the show ‘Catfish’ has taught you anything, it’s that Google exists.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Your comedy DVDs are in the shed and your music mags are in your bedroom. You keep your Friends close but your NMEs closer.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
This week you will try to convince people that an angry dog walked into the church during George RR Martin’s christening.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
To all Scottish Aries, this is your last horoscope because by the end of next week you’ll all have starved to death.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
The idea that there’s safety in numbers is tested this week when Carol Vorderman kicks the shit out of you.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
On Tuesday you forget to log out of Facebook and your friend starts posting idiotic, racist comments in your name for a laugh. Nobody will notice the difference.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
‘Pulling an all-nighter at your computer’ takes on a very different meaning for you, considering you’re unemployed. Buy hand cream.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Hot Young Women Waiting To Chat In Your Area! Not to you, though, obviously.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You’re not sure whether to get the iPhone 6 with the U2 album pre-loaded, or pay the extra £100 to get the one without it.

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Many surgeons awake during surgery

SOME surgeons have been found to be fully conscious and responding to stimuli while performing operations.

A new study found that one in every 300 invasive procedures was performed by a surgeon completely aware of everything that was happening, though often too shocked to speak.

Dr Helen Archer said: “Before the mask and gown go on every surgeon has some morphine to steady their hands and laughing gas so they can see the funny side.

“It’s pretty nasty in there with all that blood and those organs and that. You need to be either asleep or fucked up on something.”

Heart surgeon Dr Norman Steele said: “It was horrifying. I could actually watch my hands making the cuts and saw every instrument that I left inside the patient.

“Thankfully I didn’t feel any pain.”