Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Your first day as a vicar on Monday will be a baptism of fire. As a result it will be your last day, too.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
So somebody finds a shawl with the jizz of Jack The Ripper on it and two days later Kate Middleton is pregnant? Coincidence?
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Embarrassment on Saturday at a gig when you put your hands in the air but accidentally wave them like you really do care.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
If the show ‘Catfish’ has taught you anything, it’s that Google exists.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Your comedy DVDs are in the shed and your music mags are in your bedroom. You keep your Friends close but your NMEs closer.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
This week you will try to convince people that an angry dog walked into the church during George RR Martin’s christening.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
To all Scottish Aries, this is your last horoscope because by the end of next week you’ll all have starved to death.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
The idea that there’s safety in numbers is tested this week when Carol Vorderman kicks the shit out of you.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
On Tuesday you forget to log out of Facebook and your friend starts posting idiotic, racist comments in your name for a laugh. Nobody will notice the difference.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
‘Pulling an all-nighter at your computer’ takes on a very different meaning for you, considering you’re unemployed. Buy hand cream.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Hot Young Women Waiting To Chat In Your Area! Not to you, though, obviously.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You’re not sure whether to get the iPhone 6 with the U2 album pre-loaded, or pay the extra £100 to get the one without it.