Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
The eyes are the windows of the soul. The mouth is the patio door. The ears the satellite dishes.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Monday morning on the crowded commuter train and you hope your facial expression conveys “I’m honestly not enjoying having your hand squidged against my crotch” to the woman next to you.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Somebody says you have ‘a real vibe to you’ this week and you don’t realise they’re saying you look like a dildo.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You and your friends describe yourselves like ‘The Three Musketeers’, because you’re always picking fights with Frenchmen.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
After not downloading the U2 album from iTunes and avoiding the U2 Apple ads on TV, the toast pops out the toaster on Sunday with an image of Bono burned into it.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
It’s definitely Autumn when you see your first ‘Woman cradling an oversized hot beverage while wearing a big cardigan on a sofa’ advert.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
After telling somebody to get their feet off the seats on a train, all you need now is a cape and a secret identity.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
For this year’s ‘talk like a pirate’ day you threaten to shoot Tom Hanks.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
It’s been several days now and the image of the Queen purring down the phone at David Cameron still has you sitting bolt upright in bed at night, bathed in sweat.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
After successfully completing a Buzzfeed quiz you are made Portugal’s Minister For Agriculture.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
On Saturday you manage to shave 10 minutes off your best 10km run time by having a triple espresso and a prawn burrito just before you head off.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
If in doubt, tell everyone you’re doing a ‘social experiment’. That’s why you’re shitting in their front garden, for instance.

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Queen still very sexual

HER Majesty the Queen has the sexual energy of a young Michelle Pfeiffer, it has been confirmed.

Buckingham Palace sources stressed no-one should be surprised by the Queen ‘purring’ to the prime minister because she is still a ‘highly erotic individual’.

A Palace insider said: “Her favourite thing about being Queen is the fabric. Fur, velvet, silk, she just loves to stroke it.

“And she gets very excited about state banquets, or as she calls them ‘my food orgies’. She loves it when visiting dignitaries eat with their bare hands.

“It’s decadent, it’s intense, it’s luscious. In fact, ‘luscious’ is the Queen’s favourite word.”

The source added: “The love of horses is all about sex. Not with the horses – there’s not some kind of Catherine the Great thing going on, although she is an expert.

“It’s more about the thrill of trying to contain raw, natural power and then releasing it in one glorious burst.”