Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
People say you’re like Marmite – a lot of them want to stick a knife in you.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You like to shake ‘it’ like a Polaroid picture, inasmuch as ‘it’ is completely out of date and fades very quickly.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
One of the reasons Keith Richards hasn’t tested positive for drugs more often is how difficult it is to get blood out of him.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Although the term ‘femiNazi’ is obviously ridiculous you still think we should keep an eye on the femiNational Socialist Party.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
You’ve not had the chance to watch the Tory conference this week so instead you’ve called yourself a scrounging prick and thrown £500 you can’t afford out of your window.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You’ve checked into your local off-license on Foursquare so often that you now technically own the place.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
On Friday you celebrate the imminent arrival of Windows 10 by smashing everything vaguely computer-shaped within a half-mile radius of your desk until the police arrive.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
You do use sex as a weapon, but given your hands-off approach to personal hygiene it’s more of a chemical weapon.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Reclining your seat in first class, watching the Atlantic glide silently by 35,000 feet below as you sip your glass of Krug, you slowly suspect that this may not be the Megabus to Swindon.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Everybody has started noticing the crow’s feet around your eyes. Why don’t you just buy normal glasses like everybody else?

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
The medication you’ve been taking for your chronic social embarrassment is working but as a side effect it’s also given you chronic flatulence. Swings and roundabouts, really.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
(Tuts, looks at watch.) Where the hell is Missy Elliott? This is starting to chafe. (Adjusts freek, sighs.)

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People who hate music excited about new Cheryl single

THOUSANDS of people who find actual music too confusing are excited to purchase the new single by Cheryl Cole.

Sales administrator Emma Bradford, who plans to buy I Don’t Care, said: “I don’t like music, but I want some sound that I can put on at home when I feel the need to quell the voices in my head.

“I also like participating in whatever the telly tells me I should be doing.

“I’ve tried listening to albums by ‘musicians’ who are not celebrities but they make my frontal lobe hurt. The songs vary too much and the words are often quite strange and not that literal.”

Father-of-two Stephen Malley said: “I am going to buy this because I find her sexually attractive.

“It’s fucking pathetic but there you go.”