Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
It’s perfectly possible to feed a young family with fresh, healthy produce for less money than it would cost to buy processed food. But as you’ve correctly identified, they are after all only kids, so fuck them.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
No word on your novel about a dystopian future where every email and Facebook written in drunken spite then deleted is simultaneously sent.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
“Divorced, divorced, divorced. Divorced, divorced, divorced.” – A handy rhyme for remembering Jerry Lee Lewis’ six wives.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Your granddad died doing what he loved best. Taking paracetamol.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
You’re a massive science fiction fan but even you will admit the new Terminator Genisys trailer looks fuckyng abismal.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Amazon wishlists are really handy for Christmas gift shopping but none of your friends seem to have ‘a half of lager’ on theirs.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Controversy this week as you’re accused of getting a ghost-writer in to scrawl those messages on the wall of the ladies’ toilet.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Cling film – not just a kitchen accessory but a description of the home movie you made with your overly-needy partner.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
This Thursday you’re kicked out of your kid’s nativity play for accusing a donkey of trying to pull focus from your child’s performance as a shepherd.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Why not make sure the staff Christmas party is a great one this Friday by not going?

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
On Saturday you complain to the hotel manager when staff whisper about the heat death of the cosmos and the absence of morality in a godless universe despite you having a ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign on your door.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
‘Tis the season to be jolly, falalalalaaalalaalalalaalalalaaaallllaaaaaaokay I’ve lost track now.

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Benefits claimants must reach semi finals of Masterchef

THE government has introduced compulsory Masterchef participation for benefits claimants.

Following Tory concern about culinary standards among the poor, anyone failing to reach the semi-finals of the television cookery show will have their dole stopped.

Duncan Smith said: “Claimants should not be wasting money on ready meals when they could easily rustle up some seared duck foie gras with a drizzle of white truffle oil.

“If they cannot impress calorie hoover Greg Wallace enough to make it through to doing the lunch service at a fancy restaurant then clearly they are not trying.

“I mean, all you have to do is put something in a steam bath and serve it with pea puree. Nick Clegg could manage that.”

Unemployed graduate Donna Sheridan said: “Iain Duncan Smith hasn’t got a clue what it’s like to apply for 15 jobs a day while making line-caught sea bass with chanterelles and lapsang souchong jus.

“On the plus side, it is an opportunity to drop something hot in Jay Rayner’s lap.”