Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
This week your piss will smell like butter. Ghee whizz.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
You never took the insults of your colleagues seriously until you joined HR but now it’s personnel.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You often fantasise what songs you’d pick for Desert Island Discs, if only to see the look on Kirsty Young’s face when you ask for People = Shit by Slipknot.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Why not run quickly run round and round in the revolving door to your building and when security try to stop you, say “I’m trying to get this sucker off the ground”?

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
This week you get six numbers in the Health Lottery and win a kidney.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
It shows more thought when you give somebody a present you made yourself but it’s difficult to wrap ‘an awkward silence in social situations’.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Finding a wallet full of money in the street poses a moral quandary and once you’ve finished getting that lapdance you’re going to decide on it.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
No word from Channel 5 on your show which allows the public to look down on the rapidly declining celebrity of contestants, Sneerly Famous.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You’re a real nightmare until you’ve had your first coffee of the morning, after which you settle down into being a right twat.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Problems at work as you refer to your colleague as ‘coloured’, especially because of the context: “After hearing him say ‘pacific’ instead of ‘specific’ for three years, I throttled him until he went funny-coloured”.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You don’t think of yourself as a functioning alcoholic, more of a functioning life of the party.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You have come-to-bed eyes but a christ-what-died odour, which is a shame.