Hawks ‘worst pet craze ever’

THOUSANDS of Britons have been maimed after buying hawks on a whim, it has emerged.

The popularity of the award-winning book H is for Hawk has seen over six million hawks sold in the last week, mostly to people who just think they look adorable.

Office manager Emma Bradford said: “I had a guinea pig when they were popular, and a terrapin when Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles came out, so it seemed only fitting to get a hawk because there are hawks in a book I haven’t read.

“I was surprised by how big it was and its reluctance to eat the Hob Nobs I bought it.

“Even worse when I turned the hair dryer on yesterday it went completely mental, sank its talons into my neck and pecked off the lobe of my left ear.”

She added: “I thought hawks were supposed to be low maintenance pets.”

Plumber Roy Hobbs said: “I tried to cuddle my hawk and now I am missing an eye. It is just not the affectionate bird buddy I was hoping for.

“Yesterday it escaped via an open window and returned with next door’s cat in its claws. To be fair the cat had been shitting in my garden so I had mixed feelings.”

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Eastenders to become first horror soap

THE new horror-themed trailer for EastEnders marks a permanent change of direction for the show, the BBC has announced.

The spooky trailer to promote a plotline about Lucy Beale’s murder also announces the programme being reimagined as the UK’s first cockney-themed ‘horror soap’.

Producer Denys Finch Hatton said: “EastEnders has always been about characters suffering in implausible ways, so it felt natural to chuck in some demonic possession and Pat Butcher returning as a poltergeist.

“Lucy Beale’s murder will finally be solved when Lucy, who is now a zombie, digs herself out of her grave to identify her killer and eat his – or her – brains.

“Meanwhile Ian Beale, who has already suffered beyond the limits of human tolerance, has been kidnapped by a deranged scientist who turns him into a ‘human mole-rat’, which is every bit as unpleasant as it sounds.

“The Carter family’s travails are far from over too, as Danny Dyer gets impregnated by the Devil in a scene reminiscent of Rosemary’s Baby if Mia Farrow had a beard and was not good at acting.”

The new horror EastEnders will also feature a Twilight-style vampire/werewolf romance with cross-species sex between Dot Cotton and Phil Mitchell.

EastEnders fan Donna Sheridan said: “I can honestly say I did not see it coming when Max Branning had to cut off his possessed hand with a chainsaw.”