Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Still no word from Channel 5 on your football/reality show Keepy Ups With The Kardashians

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You like to think of eBay less as a place to buy things and more as a place to make strangers pay £3 more than they’d intended for stuff.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
As an online troll, you like to eavesdrop in pubs, tell the stranger at the next table they’re full of shit, then get offended when you’re told to piss off.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Sharks kill 12 people a year but people kill 11,000 sharks an hour, so in your fucking FACE, sharks.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You’ve never defended Rourke’s Drift from an army of Zulus but you’ve held on to a large table in a busy pub waiting for friends to arrive which is basically the same thing.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
No word from the bank about your plan to open a restaurant with really lousy service where you call all the dishes ‘revenge’ so the customers can’t complain.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
It occurs to you that if everybody were cremated, the zombie apocalypse would just be a really insistent sandstorm.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Did you know that if the sun was shrunk to the size of a basketball and the earth to the size of a pea, we’d all die?

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
This week you prove price comparison websites don’t always offer the best deal as Wayne from the pub bypasses your gas meter for fifty quid.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
This week you speak to your doctor about the possibility of having a three-person baby so long as none of the people are you.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
A 4-hour wait with A&E on Saturday. Hell of a Scrabble hand to get rid of.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Take This Quiz To See Which Viral Stomach Infection You Are.

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Six Nations organisers cannot remember sixth nation

RUGBY Union officials are frantically attempting to recall the sixth nation ahead of the RBS Six Nations Championship.

As the annual competition begins, the identity of the sixth team is continuing to elude organisers who have been going back through their inbox to try and work out who they usually invite.

Rugby executive Tom Logan said: “So far we’ve got England, Scotland, Ireland, Wales and France and then my mind goes completely blank. Is Surrey a country maybe?

“I keep trying to remember last year but it’s just a blur of oversized muddy men with deformed ears and oddly polite fans singing hymns.

“I’m not even totally sure it’s called Six Nations, that sounds more like a Tolkien book than a sporting event.”

The competition began as the Five Nations and was initially a war, but it segued seamlessly into a rugby union contest with the only discernible difference being an increase in mindless aggression.

Logan added: “I do remember the way it works is that two entrants from each of the 13 districts enter the arena, but only one leaves. And Donald Sutherland is there with a big beard.”