Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Still no word from Channel 5 on your football/reality show Keepy Ups With The Kardashians

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You like to think of eBay less as a place to buy things and more as a place to make strangers pay £3 more than they’d intended for stuff.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
As an online troll, you like to eavesdrop in pubs, tell the stranger at the next table they’re full of shit, then get offended when you’re told to piss off.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Sharks kill 12 people a year but people kill 11,000 sharks an hour, so in your fucking FACE, sharks.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You’ve never defended Rourke’s Drift from an army of Zulus but you’ve held on to a large table in a busy pub waiting for friends to arrive which is basically the same thing.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
No word from the bank about your plan to open a restaurant with really lousy service where you call all the dishes ‘revenge’ so the customers can’t complain.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
It occurs to you that if everybody were cremated, the zombie apocalypse would just be a really insistent sandstorm.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Did you know that if the sun was shrunk to the size of a basketball and the earth to the size of a pea, we’d all die?

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
This week you prove price comparison websites don’t always offer the best deal as Wayne from the pub bypasses your gas meter for fifty quid.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
This week you speak to your doctor about the possibility of having a three-person baby so long as none of the people are you.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
A 4-hour wait with A&E on Saturday. Hell of a Scrabble hand to get rid of.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Take This Quiz To See Which Viral Stomach Infection You Are.