Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Before this week you had never stayed in a five-star hotel. This will also be true after this week.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Jon Snow in an MRI scanner off his head on skunk has been big news, as you will be on Friday for operating one while off your head on skunk.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
You’ll wish you remembered the name of the X Files actress for your ‘Five allowed celebrities’ list on Saturday as you find yourself in a Travelodge with Gillian Mckeith.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
As the beefiest sign of the zodiac, it’s no surprise this week that you’re taking stock.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
The planets align in your house for the next fortnight and don’t even bring any booze with them.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Nobody will ever ask you whether you ever got a receipt from your window cleaner, mainly because it’s completely sodding irrelevant.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You have a crisis of faith on Sunday when you can’t decide whether the face in your toast looks more like Jesus or Kenny Loggins.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
The numbers 6 and 4, and the letter Y will have a big impact on you tomorrow. I can’t make out the rest of the number plate.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
The scales are not only the symbol of your sign but also the evidence the police use to bump up the charge to ‘possession with the intent to supply’.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
As the most cynical of the signs you tend not to believe in horoscopes, so you won’t mind me calling you a festering pervert with all the charm of an abandoned wank.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Sagittarians tend to be most compatible with Leos or, in your case, people with no sense of smell.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Looking for cheaper car insurance? What the fuck are you asking me for?