Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
This week you’ll convince colleagues that Nigel Farage’s book ‘The Purple Revolution’ is about his Vimto sex fetish.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
They say a good man is hard to find, whereas finding you simply involves following the sophisticated smell of Lynx.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
This week’s solar eclipse will have a major effect on Taureans as they all simultaneously fall down a manhole while watching it.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
It’s been a difficult few months for Gemini but things are looking up this weekend as that massive scab on your lip finally falls off.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
You celebrate the 30th anniversary of neighbours by moving to Australia, gaining three stone and changing your name to Harold.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Money worries come to an end next week when you lose your house and the associated cost of filling it with crap.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
A new and exciting person will enter your life on Monday. At 3am. Through the bedroom window. Just tell him where the jewellery is and then shut it.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You are the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge’s new housekeeper. Congratulations.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Now is not the time to panic. Just take a deep brea…SHIT, NO, PANIC!

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Just been speaking to the Bogey Man. He does not like you.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
In a bid to get to know your neighbours better, this week you start learning the drums.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
It’s been seven hours and fifteen days, since you took your love away. And my Buffy box set, you fucker.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Twitter bios must go 'serious, serious, wacky'

ALL Twitter bios must contain two serious pieces of information followed by a third zany one.

The social media platform set the new rules after complaints that some users were not displaying simultaneously the business-like and playful sides of their personalities.

Tom Logan, ‘father, atheist, eater of Spangles’, said: “Twitter bios should be like the news – the important stuff goes up front and then you end with something light-hearted and kind of pathetic.”

Fellow micro-blogger Donna Sheridan – whose bio states, ‘Journo, Vegan, Simon Pegg once said he liked my shoes’ – agreed: “You need to make it clear that you’re a serious and successful human being with strong beliefs and/or family values.

“But then, just as people are thinking, ‘Oh, they sound a bit dull’ – WHAM! You hit them with a zany, off-the-wall factoid.”

Frequent tweeter Wayne Hayes said: “I’ve been doing it wrong. Since 2010, my bio has said, ‘optician, widower, optician’.

“This morning I changed it to ‘optician, widower, I pushed her off a boat’ and I’ve already gained 300 new followers.”