Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
This week you’ll convince colleagues that Nigel Farage’s book ‘The Purple Revolution’ is about his Vimto sex fetish.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
They say a good man is hard to find, whereas finding you simply involves following the sophisticated smell of Lynx.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
This week’s solar eclipse will have a major effect on Taureans as they all simultaneously fall down a manhole while watching it.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
It’s been a difficult few months for Gemini but things are looking up this weekend as that massive scab on your lip finally falls off.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
You celebrate the 30th anniversary of neighbours by moving to Australia, gaining three stone and changing your name to Harold.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Money worries come to an end next week when you lose your house and the associated cost of filling it with crap.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
A new and exciting person will enter your life on Monday. At 3am. Through the bedroom window. Just tell him where the jewellery is and then shut it.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You are the Duke and Duchess of Cambridges new housekeeper. Congratulations.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Now is not the time to panic. Just take a deep brea SHIT, NO, PANIC!
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Just been speaking to the Bogey Man. He does not like you.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
In a bid to get to know your neighbours better, this week you start learning the drums.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
It’s been seven hours and fifteen days, since you took your love away. And my Buffy box set, you fucker.