Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You have a confusing several seconds watching two people mime a game of tennis this week before you realise its actually the badminton.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
This week you will resign from your job as you admit to finding it impossible to juggle your duties as an MP with being a dangerously ill-informed gobshite.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
After listening to the music used in the Olympics coverage, you go into your bands next rehearsal with a newly-written song called A Creditable Finish Just Outside The Medal Placings.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
If you knock that wall down, it will give the whole place a really open feel and make it a more enjoyable place for entertaining guests. Im sure Hadrian wont even notice its gone.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Matching the perfect wine to go with a meal is always a challenge but mixing a really good speedball of heroin and cocaine to go with a bag of Twiglets is an art form.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Its charity bake sale day again in work, so youre busy in the kitchen whipping up a batch of special sticky ‘man icing’ to put on your boss’s cake.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
A startling discovery this week that the Curiosity Mars rover is named after a 90s pop act, and was nearly called the Fine Young Cannibals Mars Rover.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Its always been your fantasy to bring back together the cast of Ferris Buellers Day Off, but you may have to make do with a different registered sex offender, cocaine-addicted wife beater and guy who killed two people in his car.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Money’s Too Tight (to Mention), which kind of renders this song redundant.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Why not treat yourself to a trip abroad and while youre at it, why not treat everybody else by never, ever coming back?
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Tonight you accidentally turn over to ITV and find that its David Dickinson and Lorraine Kelly in a TV studio having a fag and watching the Olympics.
Taurus (20 APRIL 20 MAY)
Its only after looking at your friends photos and asking when they became fans of sumo wrestling that you remember they had a baby three months ago.