Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You have a confusing several seconds watching two people mime a game of tennis this week before you realise it’s actually the badminton.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
This week you will resign from your job as you admit to finding it impossible to juggle your duties as an MP with being a dangerously ill-informed gobshite.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
After listening to the music used in the Olympics coverage, you go into your band’s next rehearsal with a newly-written song called A Creditable Finish Just Outside The Medal Placings.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
If you knock that wall down, it will give the whole place a really open feel and make it a more enjoyable place for entertaining guests. I’m sure Hadrian won’t even notice it’s gone.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Matching the perfect wine to go with a meal is always a challenge but mixing a really good speedball of heroin and cocaine to go with a bag of Twiglets is an art form.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
It’s charity bake sale day again in work, so you’re busy in the kitchen whipping up a batch of special sticky ‘man icing’ to put on your boss’s cake.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
A startling discovery this week that the Curiosity Mars rover is named after a 90s pop act, and was nearly called the Fine Young Cannibals Mars Rover.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
It’s always been your fantasy to bring back together the cast of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, but you may have to make do with a different registered sex offender, cocaine-addicted wife beater and guy who killed two people in his car.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Money’s Too Tight (to Mention), which kind of renders this song redundant.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Why not treat yourself to a trip abroad and while you’re at it, why not treat everybody else by never, ever coming back?

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Tonight you accidentally turn over to ITV and find that it’s David Dickinson and Lorraine Kelly in a TV studio having a fag and watching the Olympics.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
It’s only after looking at your friends’ photos and asking when they became fans of sumo wrestling that you remember they had a baby three months ago.


Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

How to make your own 'Bradley Wiggins' sideburns

British hero Bradley Wiggins is almost as famous for his cool Mod styling as his pedalling ability. Here’s how to recreate the cycling demigod’s trademark facial fuzz without waiting for tedious hair growth.

You will need:

A generous handful of pubes

Double-sided sticky tape


A bowl or similar receptacle for the pubes



Remove your trousers/skirt and underwear (if you’re doing this at work, you may want to stay decent by simply pulling down your pants low enough to expose pubic hair).


Cut off your pubic hair, taking care not to slice into your genitals.


Using both hands, mix the pubes together in a bowl. This vigorous tousling bonds them and creates volume.


Cut two pieces of double-sided sticky tape into the L-shape of sideburns, then place them into the bowl of pubes and swish them around a bit until they are completely covered in hair.


Attach the non-hairy sides of the tape to your face, positioning them carefully to ensure a seamless join with your real hair.


Go to the pub, prepared for intense sexual interest from humans of both genders.